New employee
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Bathing in Milk
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck."
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck."
Life Explained...
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is:
........ Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is:
........ Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
Toy cars
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy.
"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, "No,... I'm not sleepy yet."
How to Impress Clients
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."
Next question please
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Consummating marriage
Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage.
Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed-- I've had sex with one other man before I met you."
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
Sally replies, "The famous golfer--Jack Nicklaus."
They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"Going for a cuppa."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Jack Nicklaus," said Eric, "I want to find out what the par is on this damn hole! "
Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed-- I've had sex with one other man before I met you."
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
Sally replies, "The famous golfer--Jack Nicklaus."
They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"Going for a cuppa."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Jack Nicklaus," said Eric, "I want to find out what the par is on this damn hole! "
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