Cow impregnation

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores: "A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tell him.

"What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang up your pants"

How True

What is it called when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it called when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Man in bar

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck.

Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says "Excuse me, but do you know that man's secret? I mean, he's not what you'd call attractive … in fact; he's ugly as sin …and yet the ladies adore him. I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to score all night. What's going on?"

"Well," said the barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows"

Kids speak

The first part was read out by the teacher, the second given by various six year-old.

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

Better late than..........................pregnant

Farmer

The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer.

"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?"

"Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"

Harvard Vs Yale

At a Harvard-Yale football game a man from Harvard and a man from Yale end up at the urinal together. When the two men finished the man from Harvard headed for the sink while the man from Yale headed for the door.

The man from Harvard says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we pee."

The man from Yale replies, "At Yale they teach us not to pee on our hands"

Jury duty

"Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?"my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.
A nervous young man stood up. "I'd like to be dismissed," he said.
"And why is that?"
"My wife is about to conceive."
Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, "I believe,sir, you mean 'deliver.' But either way, I agree. You should be there."