Sunday School teacher

A Sunday School teacher asked her class of young children a very simple question, or so she thought. She asked, "What is Easter?"

Immediately many children raised their hands. So the teacher called on one to answer the question.

The sweet child replied, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and gives thanks."

"Wrong!," replied the teacher, and proceeded to choose a second child to answer the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second child replied, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

The teacher looked at the second child, shook her head, and tells him he's wrong.

Then a third child is selected to answer the question, "What is Easter?"

The third child smiles confidently and looks into the teacher's eyes and says, "I know what Easter is."

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was then sealed off by a large boulder."

The teacher smiles broadly with delight.

Then the child continues,

"And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Next question please

Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A: A hot rich mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.

Baby

There were these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven pound baby boy.

They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of crying infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.

Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.

"Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"

"Oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he screams like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."

Milk from bulls

A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.

"Good morning, sir," he said, "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country milk from your cows."

The farmer replied, "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!"

And the city boy said, "But I won't hurt your cows. All I want to do is to try some fresh country milk."

The farmer had to try again, "Son, those are BULLS!! You don't get milk from BULLS!!!"

But the city boy persisted, "Really, I won't hurt your COWS! I just want to try some fresh country milk!!"

So the farmer reluctantly gave in, "Son, knock yourself out."

In a half an hour the city boy returned from the fields carrying a pail of fresh country milk. The farmer scratched his head and started to speak, but the city boy jumped in with, "You know, while I was out in the field getting this lovely fresh country milk, I saw a fence covered with honeysuckles. And you know, I've been city boy all my life and I've never had any fresh country honey. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try some fresh country honey from your honeysuckles."

And the farmer replied, "Son, honeysuckles are flowers. You get honey from bees."

But the city boy persisted, "I won't hurt your flowers. I just want to try some fresh country honey."

So the farmer tried again, "Son, honey comes from BEES!"

But the city boy was adamant, "Really, I won't hurt your FLOWERS! I just want to try some fresh country honey!!"

And the farmer reluctantly gave in again, "Son, be my guest."

In a half an hour the city boy returned with 2 mason jars full of honey. The farmer scratched his head harder than before and started to speak. Just then the city boy said,

"You know, I'm a city boy - been a city boy all my life. Now while I was out getting some of that fresh country honey, I noticed that you also have a field full of pussy willows ..."

"Hold on son," interrupted the farmer, "let me get my hat."

Woman

One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.

So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.

"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."

"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.

"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.

"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand!!! I want her to scream my name!"

Performance and not position that ultimately counts

A Priest dies and is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who you are, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not.

The guy replies: I am an Autorikshaw Driver from Mumbai!!!

God consults his ledger… smiles and says: Please take this silken robe, gold scarf and enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so and so, Head Priest of the so and so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger and says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe and enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

'Just a minute' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash Driver is given a Silken robe and a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name and goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove, people PRAYED'

It's PERFORMANCE and not POSITION that ultimately counts...

Next question please

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Little Johnny

In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."