A recent survey was conducted also to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. Here are the survey results :
* 5% said it was to get a glass of water
* 12% said it was to go to the bathroom
* 83% said it was to go home
Highlander
One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but ... " stammers the driver
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but ... " says the driver.
"Now!! ... " he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but ... " stammers the driver
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but ... " says the driver.
"Now!! ... " he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Pun Intended
The hotel porter refused to carry my baggage, so I punched him. My case comes up next week.
Little Mexican boy
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face saying, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy."
His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See? Did you learn anything from that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"
His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See? Did you learn anything from that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"
Walking dog
A man's out walking his dog one day, when it slips the leash, and runs away. As the man is chasing the dog down the street, the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there.
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a cash settlement. Would twenty-five dollars do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another twenty-five!"
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a cash settlement. Would twenty-five dollars do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another twenty-five!"
Golf
Harry teed his ball up, addressed his golf ball, and took a magnificent swing. Something went wrong, and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and it went onto the adjoining one -- where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two clublengths away without penalty."
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two clublengths away without penalty."
Pregnant
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Son of a Baptist minister
A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.
The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.
With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.
Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist."
The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.
With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.
Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be an Atheist."
A compromise
At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a compromise."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.
She replied, "That's a miracle."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.
She replied, "That's a miracle."
Horse farm
A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
7th Grade
Toward the end of the school year, the sixth-grade teachers decide which of their students should be accelerated in certain subjects in the seventh grade. When a child is chosen, his parents are notified.
When one boy was accelerated in science and math, his mother wrote to the teacher: "I think this is quite an honor for someone who just tried to make two quarts of lemonade in a one-quart pitcher!"
When one boy was accelerated in science and math, his mother wrote to the teacher: "I think this is quite an honor for someone who just tried to make two quarts of lemonade in a one-quart pitcher!"
Old women
Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily. One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.
As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation. "I thought he was lovely," said one.
"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.
"He was very loud, wasn't he?"
"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"
"I said he was very loud."
"Eh?"
"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull!"
"Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."
As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation. "I thought he was lovely," said one.
"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.
"He was very loud, wasn't he?"
"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"
"I said he was very loud."
"Eh?"
"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull!"
"Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."
Airline Pilot
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Erection
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
Young couple
A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms from a new box of twelve.
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
"What happened to the other four condoms?" she asked.
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
"What happened to the other four condoms?" she asked.
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is walking in the country, when he comes upon a farmer and his dog standing at the side of the road. He stops and they exchange greetings. The ventriloquist is bored from walking alone for so long, so he decides to have a little fun with the farmer.
"Would you mind if I spoke with your dog?" he asks the farmer.
"Are you stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says incredulously, "Dogs can't talk!"
"Well, I'll give it a shot anyway," the ventriloquist replies.
He bends down by the dog and says, "How ya doin' there, dog?" He then does the voice of the dog without moving his lips and says "Oh, I'm doin' fine."
The farmer is flabbergasted. The ventriloquist proceeds to have a pretend conversation with the dog, asking him how the farmer treats him, where they go for walks, etc. When he's finished, they walk up the path to the farm and go to the stables.
"Mind if I talk to your horse?" the ventriloquist asks.
"You can talk to horses, too? Well, shoot, I guess I don't mind..." answers the farmer.
Again, the ventriloquist has a conversation with the animal, asking him how often the farmer takes him out riding, how often he is fed, etc. Then they walk out of the stable towards the fields. The ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep in the pasture.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he asks.
The farmer turns bright red and stammers, "Them sheep ain't nothing but liars, every single one of 'em!!!"
"Would you mind if I spoke with your dog?" he asks the farmer.
"Are you stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says incredulously, "Dogs can't talk!"
"Well, I'll give it a shot anyway," the ventriloquist replies.
He bends down by the dog and says, "How ya doin' there, dog?" He then does the voice of the dog without moving his lips and says "Oh, I'm doin' fine."
The farmer is flabbergasted. The ventriloquist proceeds to have a pretend conversation with the dog, asking him how the farmer treats him, where they go for walks, etc. When he's finished, they walk up the path to the farm and go to the stables.
"Mind if I talk to your horse?" the ventriloquist asks.
"You can talk to horses, too? Well, shoot, I guess I don't mind..." answers the farmer.
Again, the ventriloquist has a conversation with the animal, asking him how often the farmer takes him out riding, how often he is fed, etc. Then they walk out of the stable towards the fields. The ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep in the pasture.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he asks.
The farmer turns bright red and stammers, "Them sheep ain't nothing but liars, every single one of 'em!!!"
Kids' Wise Words
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
Amish woman
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
First date
On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "This tastes like piss!", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "This tastes like piss!", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
Freshman
A college freshman comes home after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?"
"Yes, I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds, stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"
"Yes, I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds, stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"
Young woman
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
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