What happens when two gay guys get into a fight in a bar?
They go outside and exchange blows.
Showing posts with label gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gay. Show all posts
Next question please
What happens when two gay guys get into a fight in a bar?
They go outside and exchange blows.
Baby
There were these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven pound baby boy.
They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of crying infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.
"Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"
"Oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he screams like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."
They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of crying infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.
"Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"
"Oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he screams like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."
Young woman
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Soaked
"Right lad," said the sergeant in the recruiting office, "what's your name?"
"McCoy, sergeant."
"And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a cork socker, sergeant."
"A cork socker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."
"A coke soaker? What's that?"
"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."
"A sock tucker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."
"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"
"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
"McCoy, sergeant."
"And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a cork socker, sergeant."
"A cork socker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."
"A coke soaker? What's that?"
"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant." "Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"
"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."
"A sock tucker? What's that?"
"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me."
"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer. "Next!" The next bloke fronted up.
"Name?" asked the sergeant. "McCoy, sergeant."
"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned. "And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"
"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
Police department
The police department received a call at 1 a.m. from a professor at the local university who reported a break-in. "The man was a huge brute," the professor reported. "He ripped the covers off the bed and found me sleeping naked. He looked at me in the most vile possible way and then he exposed this incredibly large penis."
"That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two."
"We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the officer said.
"Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said, "he's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."
"That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two."
"We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the officer said.
"Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said, "he's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."
Next question please
Q: What Did One Gay Frog Say To The Other Gay Frog???
A: Oh You Really Do Taste Like Chicken.
A: Oh You Really Do Taste Like Chicken.
Frog
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. A local witch had given him special powers. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.
Fooled ya
A Hippy gets on a bus, sees a nun, goes over and asks her to have sex. The nun says she is married to god & gets off the bus. The driver says if you want sex with her she goes to the graveyard every night at 12, just dress up as god...
Hippy goes to the graveyard that night dressed as god, sees the nun & says "I'm god, I want sex". Nun says ok, but asks for anal as she wants to keep her virginity.
So they go ahead & when they finish the Hippy says "Haha I'm the Hippy!" and the nun replies "Haha I'm the bus driver!"
Hippy goes to the graveyard that night dressed as god, sees the nun & says "I'm god, I want sex". Nun says ok, but asks for anal as she wants to keep her virginity.
So they go ahead & when they finish the Hippy says "Haha I'm the Hippy!" and the nun replies "Haha I'm the bus driver!"
Two Cowboys
There were once two cowboys, one from California and the other from Wyoming, riding the range when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with its head stuck in a fence.
Well, the temptation was too much for the Wyoming cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep.
Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from California if he wanted some.
"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence.
Well, the temptation was too much for the Wyoming cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep.
Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from California if he wanted some.
"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence.
Quit drinking
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and affecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help.
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."
His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just that when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."
His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just that when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."
Jewish Mother
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she would get from her openly gay son.
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
Rules for California Gay Marriages
1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand-held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.
10) The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!
2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand-held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.
9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.
10) The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything!
Confessional
A guy goes inside the confessional and says: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?"
"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?
"What did you do, my son?"
"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?
Proctologist
A gay guy falls in love with his proctologist. He goes to the proctologist's office and says he has an obstruction. So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything. However, he notices he has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy clams he is great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!” the doctor exclaims "No wonder you're in pain-- there are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!"
The gay guy turns excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card"
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy clams he is great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!” the doctor exclaims "No wonder you're in pain-- there are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!"
The gay guy turns excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card"
Royalty On The Airplane
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendant was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch! So put the tray up!"
Gay men
Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two gay men are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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