To All Employees - Effective February 2012 :
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
· If we see gents wearing Reebok shoes or ladies carrying leather Gucci bags, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
· If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
· If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Leave Days
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called your weekly OFF. One each week. 52 weeks in a year.
Death Ceremony Leave (for acquaintances)
This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the afternoon. You can go during your lunch break and come back immediately.
Death Ceremony Leave (for self)
This may be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two week's notice, and it is your responsibility to train your replacement.
Toilet Use – Section 147/A
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 3:00 to 3:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 3:20 to 3:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may SWAP their toilet time with a co-worker. Both employee's supervisors must approve this exchange.
Toilet Use – Section 147/B (this is our favorite!)
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the bathroom stalls.
· At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken
· After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Repeat Offenders category".
· Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be prosecuted under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
This will now range from 5 minutes to 30 minutes according to the individual.
· Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
· Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal and maintain their average figure.
· Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because they don't need to eat anyway.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations and accusations should be directed elsewhere. Thank you. 
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