Fighter pilots

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party ?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine ?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Change

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar ?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer ! Now, let's try it again !"

Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar ?"

Soldier: "No, SIR !"

The Colonel's phone

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

Army vehicle

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir ?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."

Aircraft time

On some US air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it ?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling ?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make ?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it's a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it's an Army aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to Happy Hour."

Beer research

An alarming revelation!  Beer contains  female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! * * * * Last month,  Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis  that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a  concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains  female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough  beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8  schooners of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that  100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: * * 1) Argued over  nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained  weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly  emotional at the drop of hat. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally, and 8) Had  to sit down while urinating. * * * No further testing was considered  necessary!

Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands". One thing led to another and they make love.

 After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing."

Lucky draw in a bar

This guy goes into a bar, orders up a beer, and notices that the patrons are holding slips of paper with numbers written on them, and periodically numbers are being called over the PA system. Curiously, the guy asks the bartender "What's going on".

The bartender breaks it down saying "it's simple, you order a drink you get a number. If we call your number, you get to go in the back and get laid!"

The guy says "I don't believe it sounds like bullshit to me"

Some drunk guy sitting a few stools down, interrupts, "It's not bullshit, My wife's number has been called 3 times in the last 20 minutes"

Country doctor

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again" the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Hair remover

A woman noticed that her dog could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in its ears. After cleaning both ears and making sure the dog could hear the vet suggested buying some 'Nair' hair remover and rubbing it in the dog's ears every three months.

On the way home she stops at the pharmacy to buy 'Nair.' At the register, the pharmacist says, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.' The woman says: "I'm not using it under my arms.'

Again the pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.' The woman is getting a little disturbed by the warnings and says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.'

The helpful pharmacist says: In that case, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.