Blonde winner

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire....

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush
Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you're right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build it's own nest?"

"Get real!" Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
 

Get out

My wife was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and asked, "So now you want me to stay?"

Shoe salesman

At a shoe store a salesman helps this woman to try on some shoes. As he lifts up her leg to put on the shoe, he can see downtown because she's not wearing any panties. Risking his job the guy says, "I could eat that full of ice cream." The woman gets all embarrassed, slaps the guy and runs out of the store.

When she gets home she tells her husband to go beat that man up. Her husband says "First of all, you shouldn't have been anywhere without any panties. Second, I don't know what you were doing in there in the first place, because you have enough shoes as is. And thirdly, I'm not messing with anybody that eat that much ice cream."

Assigning genders to nouns

It was postulated that English, like many foreign languages, should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. Here are the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - Female, (Ha! You thought I'd say male). But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Hotel guest

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. "What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?" he claimed.

"What's the problem, sir? The confused desk clerk asked. "I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun" blustered the irate guest. "He told me to get on my keens and give him a blow job or he'd blast my brains all over the room."

"Oh my," gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. "What did you do?"

The guest screamed "Well, you didn't hear any shots, did you?"

At the store

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.  "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Trucker

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it". He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
 

Tune for a drink

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of whisky and a beer chaser, the bartender asks to see his money at which time the man tells him that he hasn't got any but if he gives him the drinks he will fill his bar for him.

The barkeep asks how the hell he will accomplish this, to which the man replies that he can play Beethoven's 3rd out of his ass. The bartender says bullshit, no one can do that so the man gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and does a perfect rendition of the tune. The bartender throws down the drinks and says that he has a deal (with dollar signs in his eyes)

That night word has gotten out and the bar is filled to the top. The big moment comes and the man gets up on the bar, drops his drawers and craps all over everyone in the first 2 rows.

The bartender yells "you bastard, I'm ruined!!! I'll never get another person in my bar!!!!" to which the man replies "I don't know what you are so upset about, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he sings!!!"