Blonde on diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

Blonde at library

A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book."
 

Blonde winner

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire....

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush
Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is"

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely"

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you're right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build it's own nest?"

"Get real!" Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
 

Blonde and brunette in the elevator

A blonde and a brunette are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.

The brunette whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders"

Wise blind man

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you' re blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters...'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Horse riding

A blond went to a dude ranch and signed up to go horseback riding. The cowboy who was assisting guests asked her what kind of saddle she used? She asked what kind do you have? They told her English and Western.

She asked the difference, they told her one had a horn and the other didn't. She said give me the one without a horn, "I don't expect to find much traffic!"

Blonde gambler

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.

Blonde

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Depressed blonde

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."

"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.

"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

Flying saucer

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."

Blonde having coffee

Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing
pain in one eye."

Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"

Said Jill, "Linda... take the spoon out of the cup."

2 blondes

Two blondes were listening to the radio when a commercial for a weight loss program came on. The woman in the ad proudly proclaimed, "I lost six inches using this product!"

Puzzled, one blonde turned to the other and asked "Why would anyone want to be shorter?"

Next question please

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Blonde

A fellow took his girlfriend, Bitzi, a natural blonde, to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M&Ms.

When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

Blonde

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Blind man

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Refrigerator repair service

Blonde calling refrigerator repair service: "My refrigerator isn't working!"

"What kind is it?"

"It's a small one."

"Electric, gas or propane?"

"Propane."

"Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don't need a service call, just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well"

Second call, a few minutes later: "The least you could have done is to tell me to empty the fridge first!"

Tanning salon

One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon.

One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!"

The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"

They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

Hot summer

One hot summer day, Trudy came to town with her dog, tied it in the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? Trudy said it was hers.

'Well, your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

Trudy looked at the cop and said, 'Well ok, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

World War II

It seems that a young blonde man volunteered for military service during World War II. Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"