Future widow

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Fortune teller delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked “Will I be acquitted?”

Engagement ring

A man walks in to a jewelry shop to buy an engagement ring. He comes across a beautiful band with a big rock in its center. "Excuse me sir" he says to the salesman, "How much is this ring?'

The salesman replied " Ah, that's a beautiful piece, it is costs $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"

Seminar on marriage

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this??
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time.
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore.

10 Commandments Of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Drinking guide

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says "listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket". To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".
 

Get out

My wife was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and asked, "So now you want me to stay?"

Argument

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Wife's birthday gift

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ...

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you ..........retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Little girl

A little girl asked her father "how did human come into existence"?

The father replied to her "God made Adam and Eve who give birth to children, that later gave birth to us"

Still not satisfied, the little girl went and ask her mother the same question and the mother replied by saying "God made Gorillas that we later evolved from"

Furious, the little girl went to her father and ask "why did you say we came through Adam and Eve while mum is saying we evolved from Gorillas"

The father replied "I told you about my own family background, maybe that's your mothers family background."

Next question please

A man says to his wife, "You never tell me when you have an orgasm."

"You're never home." She replies

A man is throwing knives on wife's photo... and kept missing the target!

Suddenly his phone ring and his wife says; "Hi, what are you doing?"

"Missing you," was his honest reply

Marriage anniversary

The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Joe," she said. "Let's kill the pig."

Joe scratched his head. "Gee, Philomena," he finally said, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am! drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b#@*H, I'm married!!!"



Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time...   Priceless!!!!

Couple

A couple is in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight."

She says, "You are licking the rug.

Parting

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told yo u we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Louisville, Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."

Insurance

A man called his insurance salesman neighbor to go over some issues and results of his insurance policy. As they spoke, he asked, "Say I take this life insurance for my wife today and tomorrow she dies? What will I get?"

The clerk paused before clearly and suspiciously articulating, "Life without parole. At the very minimum, twenty years."

Mayhem

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes" was his reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Disconnected

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her "Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die"

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

*....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Fireside chat

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack let me tell you something. On my Wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said, here try these on." So she did and said, "These just don't fit."

So I replied, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,  "Here try these on."

So she does and says, "These just won't fit."

So Jacks says,"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here you try on mine. So he does and says, "I can't get into these."

So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A compromise

At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a compromise."

"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.

She replied, "That's a miracle."