Pay raise

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
 
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

How old am I

A man in a nursing home asks his friend, "how old do you think I am?" 

The friend replies, "I don't know.  Eighty?" 

The man smiles.  "I'm actually ninety-three!" 

The friend is surprised.  "You look very good for your age.  I never would've guessed!" 

The man, feeling confident, goes up to a woman sitting nearby.  "Excuse me - how old do you think I am?" 

The woman looks closely at his face, then begins feeling his shoulders and arms.  Eventually she unzips his pants and puts her hand inside.  After feeling around for a moment, she says, "You're ninety-three." 

Shocked, the man asks, "How did you know?"

The woman says, "I heard you telling that guy."

What Indian Advertisements convey to us

1. Kareena has dandruff problem, Katrina has dry hair problem, Shilpa has hairfall problem and Priyanka has chip-chip.
 
2. If you've a hot wife, make sure your neighbour doesn't use a deodorant in your absence.

3. Your complexion is more important than your qualifications.
 
4. If there is no salt in your kitchen you can use Toothpaste.
 
5. Every second oral care brand is No. 1 and recommended by every dentist in India!!!

6. If your daughter is not Ready to Get married, take her to a jewelry/ textile shop.

7. Only reason why men use deodorant is to get girls.

8. Most colas cure all kinds of phobias. You will be close to a superman, if you drink these regularly!!

9. All superstars are so poor that they prefer to risk life for a cool drink than to purchase it for Rs:10

10. The special effects in shampoo ads are greater than special effects in Avatar.

11. Fruit content in shampoos and soaps is more than the fruit content in 99% of juices.

12. Amul has better satirical cartoonists than people who make better milk products.

13. Most people buy vehicles to travel in bad roads but complain about roads in India.

14. You can't eat Dairy Milk Silk without spreading it all over you face.
 
15. Nobody uses motorbikes for commuting, its only to pick up girls.
 
16. All soaps kill 99.9% of germs.
 
17. People believe that Bacardi makes music CD's and Directors special/ Kingfisher make mineral water.

18. The only time mothers and daughters talk to each other, it's  usually about hair oil.

19. No matter what kind of expert one is, he'll always wear a  white laboratory coat. 

And, finally this

20. Mutual fund investments are always subject to market risks please read the offer document carefully before investing.

Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on .. and — the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone, and says with a lordly air, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.  There’s no telling what  what our engineer is going to come up with next!”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should have never gotten down there; send him back immediately!
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU  going to get a lawyer?”