How old am I

A man in a nursing home asks his friend, "how old do you think I am?" 

The friend replies, "I don't know.  Eighty?" 

The man smiles.  "I'm actually ninety-three!" 

The friend is surprised.  "You look very good for your age.  I never would've guessed!" 

The man, feeling confident, goes up to a woman sitting nearby.  "Excuse me - how old do you think I am?" 

The woman looks closely at his face, then begins feeling his shoulders and arms.  Eventually she unzips his pants and puts her hand inside.  After feeling around for a moment, she says, "You're ninety-three." 

Shocked, the man asks, "How did you know?"

The woman says, "I heard you telling that guy."

Old friends

Old man in diner

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

Milk delivery

Mrs. O'Reilly regularly has the milkman drop off 3 quarts of milk for the week. One morning the milkman arrives at Mrs. O'Reilly's and she insists that he leaves 25 gallons of milk. When asked what all that milk was needed for, Mrs. O'Reilly stated that she had just won the lottery and she was treating herself to a milk bath. The milk would surely make her skin soft and supple.

The milkman agreed and asked her if she would like the milk "pasteurized?"

"Oh no, dear, Up to my titties would be just fine."

Elder Banking

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

This was published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Two old drunks

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

After I die

Sitting at the breakfast table the old man asked his wife "when I die, sell all of my stuff."
"Why should I do that?"
"Cause I don't want some asshole enjoying my stuff."
"What makes you think I am going to marry another asshole?"

Grandkids

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2.. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.  My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,  "Did you start at 1?"
 
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,  putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
  
4.. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
 
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''...... "You're both old," he replied.
 
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
 
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was.  She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
 
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,  we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 
 
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure..."  "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
 
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's interesting," she said,  "how do you make babies?"  "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
 
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
 "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
 
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."
 A third child brought the argument to a close."They use  the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
 
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
 
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!  He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
 
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over you  hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Mr.Periwinkle

Old Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room.

Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle." He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time." Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room.

A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and walks in his room. "Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says. "Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies. To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"

Dig out of grave

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard long into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig....... I had him buried upside down.'

And you know men won't ask for directions

Old age

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the Restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the  car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card"

Old age sex

An elderly man visits his doctor.

"Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit."

"Very well, let me see your sex organs, please."

The aged patient replied "o.k" And stuck out his index finger and his tongue.

Old age

An elderly man visits a doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," the doctor tells him when the exam is over. "How do you do it?"

"Well," says the patient, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the Good Lord looks out for me: For weeks now, every time I go the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns on the light for me."

Concerned the doctor heads out to the waiting room, approaches Mrs. Smith and tells her what her husband said.

"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it DOES explain who's' been peeing in the fridge.

That's the word!!!

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1967 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.He arrived at her house and rang the bell.....

'Oh, come on in.....' Peggy Sue's mother welcomed Fred in, 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'. 'Iced tea please' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach.'

'Peggy likes to screw..... you know,' Mom informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.....'Oh yes......' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw again and again!'. 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes!' said the mother, 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'. 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said, as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'That bloody dance is called the Twist!'

Tony

Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh,

Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.

Sex tonight

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head.

"The first person that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight," she announces to the room.

An old man looks up from the pool table and says, "Umm, an elephant."

Bessie thinks about it for a second and says, "Close enough!"

Pregnant

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

Old women

Two old women lived way out in the country, only going into town on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor, a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily. One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.

As the old women were returning home, the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation. "I thought he was lovely," said one.

"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.

"He was very loud, wasn't he?"

"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"

"I said he was very loud."

"Eh?"

"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull!"

"Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."

Jewish man

An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.

The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything'.

The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.

The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit."

The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"

The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"

The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"