Wedding night

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

Toaster

One of their wedding presents was a toaster. Soon after the honeymoon she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed from the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

"Oops," came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

Pet Hamster

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they promised they would take care of it, mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her five-year-old son replied quizzically, "Uh, once?"

Next question please

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days, and if it does not come you're f*cked.

Doctor

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the towns people.

So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."

Two adults on a plane

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff," Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

Pancakes

As a mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait'."

The older boy said to his younger brother, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"