A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Fishing
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."
30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."
One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty."
Next question please
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
A: Both of them.
Bravest troops
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled with bricks and loaded weapon carried high.
He took one look at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled with bricks and loaded weapon carried high.
He took one look at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"
Difference between a nail
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of school.
Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
Food for thought
The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
Heavy Metal joke
Disclaimer: NOM/No disrespect meant everyone. Ignore obscenities
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f@#!$ the princess.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f@#!$ her.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f@#!$ the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f@#!$ the princess and kills her.Then he f@#!$ the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f@#!$ the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f@#!$ it for the last time.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the a HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f@#!$ the princess.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f@#!$ her.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f@#!$ the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f@#!$ the princess and kills her.Then he f@#!$ the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f@#!$ the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f@#!$ it for the last time.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the a HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
Consultant
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay. "
The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy like McKinsey,etc. .".
How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay. "
The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy like McKinsey,etc. .".
How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
Name Change
Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Poopferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. poopferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Poopferbrains, is it?"
Leon: "Yes, your honor."
Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. poopferbrains?"
Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
Pre-marriage questionnaire form
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
Next question please
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Quick Jokes
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
Spanish words of the day
The English Instructor told Pepito to use these words in a sentence.
1. Cheese: Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat.
2. Mushroom: When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder: My friend wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. TEXAS: My friend always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes: Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July: Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum: I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum!
8. Juarez: One day my gramma slapped me and I said, 'Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken: I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair: We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
11. Chicken wing: My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
12. Harassment: My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop: My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
1. Cheese: Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat.
2. Mushroom: When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder: My friend wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. TEXAS: My friend always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes: Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. July: Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. Rectum: I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum!
8. Juarez: One day my gramma slapped me and I said, 'Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken: I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair: We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
11. Chicken wing: My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
12. Harassment: My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop: My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
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