Management Concepts in a Bank Robbery!

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.  The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's enter the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the account the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.  The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers.  It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.......

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening', then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify... I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now!

Letter to the editor of SUN

This was a reader's 'letter to the editor' published in daily "SUN" some time ago.  

Tolerance .. I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames. I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.   If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.

Quotable quotes

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery (I presume he is an Australian genius...gsb)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Hotel stay

A lady decided to treat herself on her birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high, "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast"

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them" she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have" the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have" she said

Professor

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in unusual activities. "Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love."

A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged. "Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to shit!"

The English Language has changed

‎​When I Was TEN Years Old,

RUBBER Meant Eraser...

ASS Meant Donkey...

PUSSY Meant Cat...

COCK Meant Rooster...

GAY Meant Happy...

STRAIGHT Meant Linear...

SCREW meant a Fastener...

MAKING OUT meant  'Logical Deduction'...

RAMMING meant Compacting...

LAYING meant 'Setting Aside'...

STAG meant a ' Male Deer'...

A TIT was always, always for a TAT...

JACKING always referred to a flat Tyre...

What A Way...The English Language Has Changed!

Good advice

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Food for thought

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Food for thought

Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.

Beer Plaques

* Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Reality is an illusion that is brought upon by the lack of alcohol.
* A woman drove me to drink. I sure regret I didn't get a chance to thank her.
* What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.
* Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder.
* If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so if you get wasted all of the time, you'll have the time of your life.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Beer is good food.
* It's better to have a beer in the hand than gas in the tank.
* Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* A beer in the hand beats two in the bush.
* One more drink and I'll be under the host.
* Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer. The wheel was also a fine invention, but it does not go nearly as well with pizza.
* I don't work out. It cuts into my drinking time.
* People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.
* I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
* Draft beer, not people!

Thoughts For The Day

1. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy"- Tom Clancy

2. "You know that 'look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin

3. "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Drew Carey

4. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen

5. "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield

6. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."- Woody Allen

7. "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns

8. "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry

9. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns

10. "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - Henry Miller

Food for thought

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Next question please

Q: Why are men like dolphins?
A: They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Old Jewish man

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.

"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."

The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"

Life Explained...

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is:

........ Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!

Amateur photographer

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Construction

In a small rural town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'

Food for thought

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but very few are blind.

Smoke while praying

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.

Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"

"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him whatthe good Rabbi told him.

"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."