10 Laws that Newton forgot

1.LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now

2. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one

3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch

4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
5. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. 7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with 8. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! 9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach
10. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

How can NEWTON the greatest inventor of our times be left behind. : NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11…. 
 
11. THE LAW OF MOTION : LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION !

True jokes

On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a "Road Closed" sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended, giving way
to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed' Didn't You Understand?"


As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power,the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."


A woman walked into our copy shop to pick up a large order. While there, she asked me to make a copy of her driver's license,birth certificate and passport. When I gave her the total price, she asked if she could pay with a personal check."Sure," I said automatically."I just need to see some ID."


The guest speaker at our training sessions for correctional officers was a leading psychologist. We appreciated the fact that he was able to answer in plain English a question many of us had: What is the difference between someone who is delusional and someone who is schizophrenic?
"Delusional people build castles in the air," he explained. "Schizophrenics move in and live there."


My colleagues and i recently received this e-mail from the facilities department: "Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Dress accordingly."


While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really?  Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."


My father, a gravedigger, was told to prepare for a funeral. But on theday of the service, it was discovered that he had dug up the wrong plot. Luckily for him, the deceased's daughter was very understanding."Poor Dad," she lamented. "He always complained he could never find a parking space." -

How True

What is it called when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it called when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Foundation of zen

From Ch 22 of 'The Fountains of Paradise'

Driven to despair by his fruitless attempts to understand the Universe, the sage Devadasa finally announced in exasperation

ALL STATEMENTS THAT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD ARE FALSE.

Instantly, his least-favourite disciple Somasiri replied "The sentence I am now speaking contains the word God. I fail to see, Oh Noble Master, how that simple statement can be false."

Devadasa considered the matter for several Poyas. Then he answered, this time with apparent satisfaction:

ONLY STATEMENTS THAT DO NOT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD CAN BE TRUE.

After a pause barely sufficient for a starving mongoose to swallow a millet seed, Somasiri replied: "If this statement applies to itself; Oh Venerable One, it cannot be true, because it contains the word God. But if it is not true -"

At this point, Devadasa broke his begging-bowl upon Somasiri's head, and should therefore be honoured as the true founder of Zen.

(From a fragment of the Culavamsa, as yet undiscovered)

Dig out of grave

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard long into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig....... I had him buried upside down.'

And you know men won't ask for directions

Husbands, So Logical

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one 
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
 
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
 
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
 
He replied, "They had eggs."

Daffynitions

Some are so apt that they should be in the dictionary.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

What Bollywood Has Taught Us

* At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

* Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

* All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

* All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their polar opposite.

Kids' Wise Words

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8

Good, Bad and Worse

Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son developed an interest in religion.
Bad: He's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Worse: The secretary gets pregnant

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: He looks better than you do in them.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Worse: It's 25 miles to the nearest gas station.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Worse: He finds Mr. Right.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Worse: You're arrested for passing one of the bills.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

New words in the language

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

***********************************************************

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  The winners were:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n..): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (n): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web..

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Food for thought

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Food for thought

Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.

Real Meaning

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

The 1st Day of School from a Child's Perspective

* The first day of school is always special to me. It's the only day of the year when I'm not behind in my homework.

* The first day of school wouldn't be so bad if it weren't followed by the second day of school, the third day of school, the fourth day of school...

* The first day of school is exciting, but so is riding a roller coaster, and I wouldn't want to do that for nine months in a row either.

* Teachers always seem happy on the first day of school. That's because they're getting paid to be there. We kids have to do it for free.

* Show me a kid who likes the first day at school and I'll show you a kid who likes to get his lip caught under a manhole cover.

* There's one good thing about the first day of school. When it's over you're one day closer to the last day of school.

The Donkey and the Dog

I think you may find one in your midst!

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep too but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.

The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.

Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.

Moral of the story "One must not engage in duties other than his own"

Now take a new look at the same story...

The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.. He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it. Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favourite pet.

The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dog's duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed "ME" (Met Expectations) .

Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.

The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a NEW JOB... Perhaps he should have kicked the dog in the first place, urging him to perform thru' peer pressure!!

Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary. Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely intentional !!

Umbrella to camp

The counselor was helping the kids put their stuff away on their first day in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked him, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Didn't you ever have a mother?"

Q: When prices are going up, what remains stationary?
A: Writing paper and envelopes.

Lemon grove job

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

Trip to the Holy Land

A Scotsman, who was planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."