Pancakes

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

What Bollywood Has Taught Us

* At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

* Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

* All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

* All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their polar opposite.

Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick", shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do"?

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination". says Sister Helen .

Sister Marilyn switches the wipers on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what"? shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross", says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking", says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts..... "GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR!!!!!!!"

Joe Smith

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"

The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."

He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"

The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed In 1369."

The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!" 

Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."

Next question please

Q: Why are there two Senators for each state?
A: Somebody's got to be the designated driver.

Confession

There were these three nuns and they were tired of being good all of the time, so they went to the priest and asked if they could be bad for one day. He said that they could do one thing wrong but they had to come straight back and tell him what they did.

The first nun comes back, and the priest asked, "And what did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I spiked the fruit punch at the bingo ."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

The Second nun comes back shortly afterwards.

"And what did you do wrong, Sister?" he asks again.

"I mooned a monk, and nearly gave him a heart attack."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

Just then the third nun comes up to the priest and again he asks, "And what did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I peed in the holy water."

Dying granny

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter: "I may die any moment so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, the tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock."

"Wow!!!!" said the granddaughter, "Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where is it?"

Grandma replies: On 'Facebook'

Flying

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.

"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass to the moon."

Give me a beer

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work."

And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?"

The guy says, "I take care of the corgis -- you know, the dogs the royal family owns."

The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh?"

The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

Sex tonight

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head.

"The first person that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight," she announces to the room.

An old man looks up from the pool table and says, "Umm, an elephant."

Bessie thinks about it for a second and says, "Close enough!"