Blonde

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Email

Debbie wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie's computer and saw a list of e-mail addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

Within twenty minutes, she got back sixteen replies, all saying that she wasn't to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.

Insurance

A man called his insurance salesman neighbor to go over some issues and results of his insurance policy. As they spoke, he asked, "Say I take this life insurance for my wife today and tomorrow she dies? What will I get?"

The clerk paused before clearly and suspiciously articulating, "Life without parole. At the very minimum, twenty years."

Mayhem

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes" was his reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Little Johnny

In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." T he teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Funeral Home

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So . . . I switched the heads"

Professor

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in unusual activities. "Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love."

A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged. "Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to shit!"

Pope

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."

Date

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Disconnected

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her "Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die"

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

*....I ALMOST DIED!!!