Three boys and old lady

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman's expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, "Did your folks ever get married?"

"Nope," replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. "How about yours?" "They never bothered," answered the first young man.

"That's nothing," interrupted the third, "my mother doesn't even know who my father is."

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. "Excuse me, but would one of you little bastards please pass the sugar?

Changing of the English Language

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between  Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Fire truck

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".

The little girl replied "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".

Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

Beautiful woman

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,  he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myth! It's all about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the most incredible long lasting stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you, since I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said,  "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

New invention

The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Johnson his newest product. "It's an apple that tastes like pu**y."

Curious Mr. Johnson took a bite; he spat violently. "pu**y? This thing tastes like shit!

The pharmacist flushed and turned it around. "Sorry," he said, "You bit the wrong side."

Old age sex

An elderly man visits his doctor.

"Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit."

"Very well, let me see your sex organs, please."

The aged patient replied "o.k" And stuck out his index finger and his tongue.

Saint Bernard

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back. "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Next question please

Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is.

Next question please

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in hot tubs.

Playing in the sandbox

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the CEO "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared in the machine, "I just need one copy".

Dog in temple

A Jewish man walks into Temple one Saturday walking his dog on a leash. The rabbi comes over and says, "Bernie, what are you doing bringing a dog to Temple? This is no place for an animal!" 
"He wants to pray" the man replies. "But Bernie, you can't be bringing a dog to Temple. It just isn't done." "But I'm telling you, he wants to pray" the man insists.
Folding his arms, the Rabbi says, "OK, he wants to pray, let's see him pray." So the man wraps a prayer shawl around the dog's shoulders, puts a yarmulke on his head, and opens the Torah. The dog then puts his paw on the page and starts reading perfect Hebrew.
The astonished Rabbi says, "Why Bernie, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Have you ever considered enrolling him in Rabbinical School?"
Rolling his eyes heavenward, the man answers, "YOU talk to him. He wants to be a doctor!

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am! drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b#@*H, I'm married!!!"



Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time...   Priceless!!!!

Old age

An elderly man visits a doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," the doctor tells him when the exam is over. "How do you do it?"

"Well," says the patient, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the Good Lord looks out for me: For weeks now, every time I go the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns on the light for me."

Concerned the doctor heads out to the waiting room, approaches Mrs. Smith and tells her what her husband said.

"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it DOES explain who's' been peeing in the fridge.

Viper

As a man was working in his office one day, he received a phone call. "Hello," he said. At the other end of the line, a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper, I am coming in a week." Then the caller hung up.

The man thought someone was pulling a practical joke, so he didn't think much about it until a few days later, when he got another phone call. After he said "Hello," a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming in three days." Then the caller hung up again.

The man was starting to get a bit worried but he still thought someone was trying to scare him. Then he received another phone call. This time, the voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming tomorrow." Once again, the caller hung up.

Now the man was sure that someone was out to get him. The next day when he went to work, he brought along his rifle, just in case. That afternoon, a stranger wearing white overalls and carrying a pail of water came into the man's office. "Who are you?" the man asked. The stranger replied, "I am the viper. I have come to vipe your vindows."

Moose hunting

Two hunters go moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume and begin to give the moose love-call. Before long, their call is answered as a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull is close enough, the guy in front says, 'OK, let's get out and get him.'

After a moment that seems like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, 'The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?

The guy in the front says, 'Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.'

Lawyer and chiropractor

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Proctologist

A proctologist goes to his bank to make a deposit.

He reaches in his pocket for a pen to endorse his check, and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

The proctologist says, "Damn, some asshole's got my pen."

Two kids in the hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" 

Genie

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink.

After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy's head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small.

The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her.

She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head.

Rednecks

What is the difference between northern and southerner fairy tales?

Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time...." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."

Couple

A couple is in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight."

She says, "You are licking the rug.

Woman in bar

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."

"No kidding? I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

That's the word!!!

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1967 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.He arrived at her house and rang the bell.....

'Oh, come on in.....' Peggy Sue's mother welcomed Fred in, 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'. 'Iced tea please' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach.'

'Peggy likes to screw..... you know,' Mom informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.....'Oh yes......' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw again and again!'. 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes!' said the mother, 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'. 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said, as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'That bloody dance is called the Twist!'