How to clean a cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog 

Ole & Sven go fishing

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya shure, I tink I haff a lighter" he replied and reached in to his tackle box and pulled out a 12 - inch BIC lighter.

"yiminy Cricket"! exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell" replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie".

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box" said Ole.

"Could I see Him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says "Hey dare! I'm a good friend of your master, Vill you grant me vun vish?

"Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!!"

Oles answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12- inch BIC?"

Bear and rabbit

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbits says,"No..."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, They help me sleep better. The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Two old drunks

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Bronze rat

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"  "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."  As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, He notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys and sewers and begin following him down the street.  This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing.  He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he can.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "You have come back for the Story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a statue of an Indian politician in bronze!!

One wish

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

Next question please

Q. What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

A. Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth.

Slut

A rich slut and a poor slut were standing next to the road when the poor slut asked the rich slut "Where do you get all the money from?"

"That's easy" replied the rich slut, "Just before you have sex, stick an elastic band up your arse, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy."

"Thanks says the poor slut and rushes home and starts looking around but she can't find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up. The two went back to the guy's home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the slut yelled "OW, my back! I'll sue you for this!" The man replied "Never mind your back, my balls just went out the window!"

Trapped in room

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Blind man

This blind man was feeling his way down the street with his cane, he passes by a fish market and stops. He takes a deep breath and announces, "Good Morning Ladies."

Pig

A man was driving round a corner and was barely missed by a female driver coming the other way. She hung out of the window and shouted 'PIG!!!' in reply; the man shouted 'bitch!

They continued their own separate journeys around the corner. As the man turned the corner, there was a pig in the middle of the road. He swerved over a hill and died a fiery death.

Moral of the story: listen to women; they are always right.

Cowboy in town

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Talking frog

A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in concentration pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled right into the cup for an eagle.

"Now take me to Vegas," said the frog.

"What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking frog. "You heard me," repeated the frog, "take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!"

So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line." The shooter rolled a seven, and the man with the frog won $100,000.

Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and the frog said, "Kiss me." When he did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and 16 years old.

"And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my room."