A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Showing posts with label good advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label good advice. Show all posts
Positive attitude
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Criticism
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, so that when you criticize them you will be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.
Women's instructions
- Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
- If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
- Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
- Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
- A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
- Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
- If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
- When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
How to clean a cat
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Trapped in room
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Pig
A man was driving round a corner and was barely missed by a female driver coming the other way. She hung out of the window and shouted 'PIG!!!' in reply; the man shouted 'bitch!
They continued their own separate journeys around the corner. As the man turned the corner, there was a pig in the middle of the road. He swerved over a hill and died a fiery death.
Moral of the story: listen to women; they are always right.
They continued their own separate journeys around the corner. As the man turned the corner, there was a pig in the middle of the road. He swerved over a hill and died a fiery death.
Moral of the story: listen to women; they are always right.
Not a joke, but a comfort-read
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very, attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
I examined Belker and found he was dying. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Heart operation
After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eighth hour's sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited".
Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited".
Daffynitions
Some are so apt that they should be in the dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
An late New Year resolution
Some Doctor on tv said the way to inner happiness is to finish all the things you have started,so i looked around the house to see things i had started and not finished, so before going out this morning i finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a buttle of wum, a pockagee of Prungles, tha mainder of bottle of Prozic and Vallumiunun scriptins, the rs of the chesecke an a box a choclet.
Yu haf ni idr how bludy fablus i feel rit e now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov ienne pisss.
An telum u luvum.
Merry Christmas
Yu haf ni idr how bludy fablus i feel rit e now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov ienne pisss.
An telum u luvum.
Merry Christmas
Stock Market Terminology Explained
Stock Market Dictionary for the past year investor:
- Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
- Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
- Broker - Poorer than you were last year.
- P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
- Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
- Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
- Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
- Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
- Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
- Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
- Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
- Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.
- Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
- Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.
- Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
- Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
- Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
- Alan Greenspan - God.
- Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
- Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
- Broker - Poorer than you were last year.
- P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
- Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
- Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
- Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
- Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
- Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
- Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
- Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
- Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.
- Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
- Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.
- Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
- Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
- Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
- Alan Greenspan - God.
Kids' Wise Words
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
Traffic rules in India
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
11. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
12. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
13. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
15. There is a common held belief that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
11. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
12. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
13. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
15. There is a common held belief that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
Hokey game
A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a raunchy porn featuring a lusty couple having sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play Hockey!"
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play Hockey!"
Beer Plaques
* Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Reality is an illusion that is brought upon by the lack of alcohol.
* A woman drove me to drink. I sure regret I didn't get a chance to thank her.
* What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.
* Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder.
* If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so if you get wasted all of the time, you'll have the time of your life.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Beer is good food.
* It's better to have a beer in the hand than gas in the tank.
* Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* A beer in the hand beats two in the bush.
* One more drink and I'll be under the host.
* Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer. The wheel was also a fine invention, but it does not go nearly as well with pizza.
* I don't work out. It cuts into my drinking time.
* People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.
* I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
* Draft beer, not people!
* Reality is an illusion that is brought upon by the lack of alcohol.
* A woman drove me to drink. I sure regret I didn't get a chance to thank her.
* What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.
* Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder.
* If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so if you get wasted all of the time, you'll have the time of your life.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Beer is good food.
* It's better to have a beer in the hand than gas in the tank.
* Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* A beer in the hand beats two in the bush.
* One more drink and I'll be under the host.
* Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer. The wheel was also a fine invention, but it does not go nearly as well with pizza.
* I don't work out. It cuts into my drinking time.
* People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.
* I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
* Draft beer, not people!
How to avoid a shark attack:
1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freakin' life. And finally...
5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it's not always about you!
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freakin' life. And finally...
5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it's not always about you!
8 year old boy
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8-year-old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football?
Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her Mom, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her Mom runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy as he rides up on his bike, she holds up the football and sings... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boys' bikes and you can't have one!" She runs to her Mom and the next day she waits for him on her new boy's bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My Mom tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her Mom, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her Mom runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy as he rides up on his bike, she holds up the football and sings... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boys' bikes and you can't have one!" She runs to her Mom and the next day she waits for him on her new boy's bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My Mom tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Swine Flu Virus
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
1. Sore throat.
2. Slight headache.
3. Moderate to high temperature.
4. Nausea or upset stomach.
5. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.
1. Sore throat.
2. Slight headache.
3. Moderate to high temperature.
4. Nausea or upset stomach.
5. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.
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