Slut

A rich slut and a poor slut were standing next to the road when the poor slut asked the rich slut "Where do you get all the money from?"

"That's easy" replied the rich slut, "Just before you have sex, stick an elastic band up your arse, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy."

"Thanks says the poor slut and rushes home and starts looking around but she can't find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up. The two went back to the guy's home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the slut yelled "OW, my back! I'll sue you for this!" The man replied "Never mind your back, my balls just went out the window!"

Virgin

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first
time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams..."What the heck was that!!?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

Virgins

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first daughter sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second daughter sent a card from Vermont a week after the wedding and the card read "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges package "Extra Long King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third daughter left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week......Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "American Airlines".

Mom took out her latest Guardian magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for American Airlines. The ad said "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!!!!!

Beautiful Princess

Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter. One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit. That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess' room. She said, "What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!"

The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you." He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before.

They were enthusiastically doing the nasty. After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."

He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again." He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.

She said, "Come on, let's do it again." The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."

Buy a pig

A man from the city decided to buy himself a pig, so he took a drive in the country until he came across a sign reading, "Pigs for Sale." Turning into the drive, he parked next to an old farmer standing by a pen full of pigs
and explained his mission. Agreeing to a price of a dollar a pound, he picked out his pig, whereupon the old man picked up the pig by the tail with his teeth.

"Ayuh," he said, setting the squealing animal down, "that there pig weighs sixty-nine pounds."

Noting his customer's astonishment, the farmer explained that the ability to weigh pigs in this manner was a family trait passed down through the generations. Skeptical, and not wanting to be taken for a city slicker, the man insisted on a second opinion. So the old farmer called his son over from the barn, and the boy in the same fashion pronounced the pig's weight to be sixty-nine pounds.

Convinced, the man pulled out his wallet, but the farmer asked him to go to the farmhouse and pay his wife, who would give him a receipt. The man was gone for a long time, and when he finally returned to the pigpen it was
without a receipt.

"What's the problem, son?" asked the old man.

"I went up there just like you said," recounted the man from the city, "but your wife was too busy to give me a receipt."

"Too busy doing what?" wondered the farmer.

"Well, sir, I'm not exactly sure," stammered the man, "but I think she's weighing the postman."

Construction worker

This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak.

Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced one I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee. While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.

The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.

"I think it was sex-related," offered one of the crew.

"Sex-releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.

"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go???'"

Shoes for wedding

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but  it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"

"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody  hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"
To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Swedish au pair

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year.While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with English. One day she informed the lady of the house, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?"

"Oh... yust the same as husband's, but a little bit thicker."

Supermarket

A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.

She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation. She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."

UPS Man

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the drive way. Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles, cut his wonder short.

'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since *4:00 am* Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Bob says, 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'

Lebians

Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.

The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.

The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"

The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."

Psychiatrist

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling." The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband, too!"

School

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer."

Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"

The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fuckhauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!"

Playing golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'

Mexican Maid

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than I do?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that, as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

French tourist

A tourist from France goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.

The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write, 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled, 'SEX'.

The official explains, "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We want to know either 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

Exploring the jungle

A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.

After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."

The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."

The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."

The American and the German look at him in amazement.

"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"

"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."

Dog names

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:

'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.'

'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '

'When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'

'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '

'Whe n my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '

'Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, ' Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.'

The Cop and The Drunk!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," ... the man replies.

The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," ... the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man .. "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out ...

"I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too ! ! ! "

Oral activity

The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"

"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"