Doctors at work

While having lunch in Central Park, a pair of retired doctors saw a man walking their way. His knees were pressed together, his hands were clenched in tight fists, and his wrists were bent inward, toward his wait.
"You still got your knack for diagnosing?" asked one doctor. "Sure. Why?" replied the other. He gestured toward the man. "I'd say the poor fellow's got cerebral palsy."

The other doctor shook his head. "Arthritis, for sure."

"Let's find out," said the first. However, before the doctor could ask, the man stopped in front of their bench. He said through his teeth, "Pardon me, but do either of you gentlemen know where in this damn park the rest rooms are?"

Next question please

What happens when two gay guys get into a fight in a bar?
They go outside and exchange blows.

Pig feed

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Genie

Three men were fishing and one man says, "I think I caught something" so he reels it in. it was a magic lamp. A genie popped out of it and said "I'll grant you 3 wishes one each" the first guy said 'I want to be 2 times as smart as I am now' so the genie snapped his fingers and he started saying all this Shakespeare stuff that he's never heard before.

The second guy says 'alright, I want to be 3 times as smart as I am now.' so the genie snaps his fingers and he starts saying all this world war two stuff that he's never heard before.

Then the third guy says "I want to be ten times as smart as I am now" the genie says 'no you don't' the guy says 'yeah, I do'. The genie gives in and snaps his fingers and turns him into a girl.

Cheap drinks

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be  true.
        
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a  fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints, and order another round.
        
Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay  the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
        
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been  there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired Gujaratis from Wembley... They're waiting for Happy Hour .........  when drinks are half-price. ! !!  

Criticism

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, so that when you criticize them you will be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

Women's instructions

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
• Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
• Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
• When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
  

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.......

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening', then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify... I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now!