Smoking dope

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................'

Blonde at library

A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book."
 

Drunk driver

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
 

10 Commandments Of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Professionals at work

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologists: "They have reproduced".

The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

How alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the  occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that drunkard nun out there again!"

Don't count on it

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Positive attitude

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'

 'There are three colors', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What color are you going to wear tonight?' she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'

Drinking guide

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says "listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket". To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".
 

Pastor at the door

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."