Democrats or republicans?

Two ladies were out driving in the Virginia countryside fifty miles from Washington D.C. One of them pointed out two naked men in a field masturbating each other.
"Look" she said, "two Democrats jerking each other off."
"How do you know they're Democrats?" Her friend asked.
"If they were Republicans, they'd be fucking a crowd of poor people".

Flight conversation

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman as he smiled smugly, "How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?"

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit!". And then she went back to reading her book

Congressman

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies,' Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Bad Stamp

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and 1.73 million dollars in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

UNITED STATES OF IRAN

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Politicians

Three politicians are flying in a plane. The first one looks at the second, buffs his carefully manicured fingernails against his Brooks Brothers suit, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".

The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred peoplevery happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Hillary fans

A grade school teacher in Steuben County asked her class how many of them are "Hillary fans?"

Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why are you a George Bush fan?

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

Intern

Dan Rather is interviewing Monica and said, "Monica, this trouble will pass and you're still young and have a future in front of you. What would you like to do with the rest of your life?"

Monica said, "Well, Dan, I have thought of going back to school."

Dan said, "That is a great idea. What would you like to be?"

Monica said, "I would like to be a doctor."

Dan laughed and said, "You can never be a doctor... You sucked as an intern."

Sniper

A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent! After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

Priest retirement

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled, but as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Yankee season opener

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$! &&&&&&&& *%$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first "PITCH" !!

Leaders

God summoned Fidel Castro, Jacques Chirac and George W. Bush before him.

HE told them that they were ruining his precious Earth with all their pollutants, industrial fishing, logging, etc. HE told them to clean up their act or he would make the whole mankind shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity. Go! Tell your people.

Fidel Castro goes back to his people and tells them, "I have two things to tell you, both of them bad. One, God exists. Two, if we don't clean up the planet we will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity."

Jacques Chirac goes back to his people and tells them "I have two things to tell you, one good and one bad. One, God exists; and two, if we don't clean up the planet, mankind will have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity."

George W. Bush goes back to his people and tells them "I have two things to tell you, both of them good. One, God does exist and two, there'll soon be work for everyone!"

Bush meets young students

Once president BUSH went to a school to interact with the children. After having a brief talk with the children he asked them if they have any question to ask him.

One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: whats your name
John: john
Bush: What's you question

John: Sir I have three questions
1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO
2) where is osama
3) why do America support Pakistan so much

Bush: You are an intelligent student John. (Just then the bell for recess rang). Oh dear! Students we will continue after the recess is over.

After the recess
Bush: OK children, where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any questions?

Peter raises his hand

Bush :Whats your name?
Peter : Sir I have 5 questions.
1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO
2) where is osama
3) why do America support Pakistan so much
4) why did recess bell ring 20 mins before the scheduled time
5) where is JOHN?