One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but ... " stammers the driver
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but ... " says the driver.
"Now!! ... " he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Showing posts with label scottish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scottish. Show all posts
Farmer
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger he shouted over to the man, "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's poisoned!)
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.
Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's poisoned. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine British accent.
"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in."
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.
Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's poisoned. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine British accent.
"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in."
Penny for your thoughts
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled
with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled
with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Those Scots
A Scottish man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and… put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in
her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and… put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in
her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Trip to the Holy Land
A Scotsman, who was planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
Capture by cannibals
Three airmen were shot down over the Pacific during WWII. One was an American. One was a Frenchman. The other was a Scot.
They were captured by a tribe of cannibals on a remote island. They were told that they would be boiled alive, eaten, and then their skins would be used to build a new boat.
Before they were boiled alive the head of the tribe offered them three instruments for them to commit suicide. A fork, a knife, and gun with one bullet in the chamber. The American volunteered to go first. He choose the gun and said " God Bless America" and took his life. The Frenchman went next and took the knife... his final words were "Viva France!"
When is it was the Scots turn he calmly took the fork and stabbed himself all over his body and proclaimed " F*ck yer stinkin' boat!"
They were captured by a tribe of cannibals on a remote island. They were told that they would be boiled alive, eaten, and then their skins would be used to build a new boat.
Before they were boiled alive the head of the tribe offered them three instruments for them to commit suicide. A fork, a knife, and gun with one bullet in the chamber. The American volunteered to go first. He choose the gun and said " God Bless America" and took his life. The Frenchman went next and took the knife... his final words were "Viva France!"
When is it was the Scots turn he calmly took the fork and stabbed himself all over his body and proclaimed " F*ck yer stinkin' boat!"
Drinking water
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts "Awa ye feel hoor that's full O' coos Sharn." (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow "poop".)
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you."
The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you."
The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
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