A college freshman comes home after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?"
"Yes, I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds, stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"
Young woman
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Grade-school teacher
A grade-school teacher was grading a science test at home that she had given to her class and was reading some of the results to her husband. The subject was the human body, and the first question was to "Name one of the major functions of your skin."
One child had written, "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."
One child had written, "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."
Sting
"Now, Mrs. Hansen, this may sting just a little," the doctor said, as he prepared the syringe of antibiotic and stepped forward to administer it. The patient suddenly SCREAMED in agonizing pain and crumpled to the floor!
The doctor picked her up and stated, "Mrs. Hansen, this is ridiculous. I haven't even injected the needle yet!"
"No, you haven't" cried Mrs. Hansen. "But you DID step on my ingrown toenail!"
The doctor picked her up and stated, "Mrs. Hansen, this is ridiculous. I haven't even injected the needle yet!"
"No, you haven't" cried Mrs. Hansen. "But you DID step on my ingrown toenail!"
The English Language has changed
When I Was TEN Years Old,
RUBBER Meant Eraser...
ASS Meant Donkey...
PUSSY Meant Cat...
COCK Meant Rooster...
GAY Meant Happy...
STRAIGHT Meant Linear...
SCREW meant a Fastener...
MAKING OUT meant 'Logical Deduction'...
RAMMING meant Compacting...
LAYING meant 'Setting Aside'...
STAG meant a ' Male Deer'...
A TIT was always, always for a TAT...
JACKING always referred to a flat Tyre...
What A Way...The English Language Has Changed!
RUBBER Meant Eraser...
ASS Meant Donkey...
PUSSY Meant Cat...
COCK Meant Rooster...
GAY Meant Happy...
STRAIGHT Meant Linear...
SCREW meant a Fastener...
MAKING OUT meant 'Logical Deduction'...
RAMMING meant Compacting...
LAYING meant 'Setting Aside'...
STAG meant a ' Male Deer'...
A TIT was always, always for a TAT...
JACKING always referred to a flat Tyre...
What A Way...The English Language Has Changed!
Drunk
A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Do you want to go to heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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