Lucky draw in a bar

This guy goes into a bar, orders up a beer, and notices that the patrons are holding slips of paper with numbers written on them, and periodically numbers are being called over the PA system. Curiously, the guy asks the bartender "What's going on".

The bartender breaks it down saying "it's simple, you order a drink you get a number. If we call your number, you get to go in the back and get laid!"

The guy says "I don't believe it sounds like bullshit to me"

Some drunk guy sitting a few stools down, interrupts, "It's not bullshit, My wife's number has been called 3 times in the last 20 minutes"

Country doctor

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again" the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Hair remover

A woman noticed that her dog could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in its ears. After cleaning both ears and making sure the dog could hear the vet suggested buying some 'Nair' hair remover and rubbing it in the dog's ears every three months.

On the way home she stops at the pharmacy to buy 'Nair.' At the register, the pharmacist says, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.' The woman says: "I'm not using it under my arms.'

Again the pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.' The woman is getting a little disturbed by the warnings and says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.'

The helpful pharmacist says: In that case, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.

Out of towner

Tired by his life's hectic pace, the swinger determines to take a leisurely drive across the country. At first the pastoral sights pleased him, but by the time he got to Kansas, he was dying for some action.

Pulling into the only gas station in a small town one Saturday evening, he asked the attendant, "Is there any nightlife in this town?"

"Not anymore," the station owner replied. "She moved to Chicago"

New drink

"What's that drink you're mixing?" the stranger asked the bartender in the exotic Caribbean bar.

"I call this a rum dandy," said the bartender. "What's in it?" asked the stranger. "Sugar, milk, and rum," said the bartender. "Is it good?" asked the stranger."Sure," said the barkeep. "The sugar gives you pep, the milk gives you energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"Ideas about what to do with all that pep and energy" replied the bartender.

Jon and the bear

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Husbands, So Logical

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one 
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
 
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
 
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
 
He replied, "They had eggs."