How to clean a cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog 

Ole & Sven go fishing

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya shure, I tink I haff a lighter" he replied and reached in to his tackle box and pulled out a 12 - inch BIC lighter.

"yiminy Cricket"! exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell" replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie".

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box" said Ole.

"Could I see Him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says "Hey dare! I'm a good friend of your master, Vill you grant me vun vish?

"Yes I will," the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!!"

Oles answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12- inch BIC?"

Bear and rabbit

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbits says,"No..."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, They help me sleep better. The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Two old drunks

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Bronze rat

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"  "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."  As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, He notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys and sewers and begin following him down the street.  This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing.  He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he can.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "You have come back for the Story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a statue of an Indian politician in bronze!!

One wish

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.