Pay raise

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
 
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
 
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

How old am I

A man in a nursing home asks his friend, "how old do you think I am?" 

The friend replies, "I don't know.  Eighty?" 

The man smiles.  "I'm actually ninety-three!" 

The friend is surprised.  "You look very good for your age.  I never would've guessed!" 

The man, feeling confident, goes up to a woman sitting nearby.  "Excuse me - how old do you think I am?" 

The woman looks closely at his face, then begins feeling his shoulders and arms.  Eventually she unzips his pants and puts her hand inside.  After feeling around for a moment, she says, "You're ninety-three." 

Shocked, the man asks, "How did you know?"

The woman says, "I heard you telling that guy."

What Indian Advertisements convey to us

1. Kareena has dandruff problem, Katrina has dry hair problem, Shilpa has hairfall problem and Priyanka has chip-chip.
 
2. If you've a hot wife, make sure your neighbour doesn't use a deodorant in your absence.

3. Your complexion is more important than your qualifications.
 
4. If there is no salt in your kitchen you can use Toothpaste.
 
5. Every second oral care brand is No. 1 and recommended by every dentist in India!!!

6. If your daughter is not Ready to Get married, take her to a jewelry/ textile shop.

7. Only reason why men use deodorant is to get girls.

8. Most colas cure all kinds of phobias. You will be close to a superman, if you drink these regularly!!

9. All superstars are so poor that they prefer to risk life for a cool drink than to purchase it for Rs:10

10. The special effects in shampoo ads are greater than special effects in Avatar.

11. Fruit content in shampoos and soaps is more than the fruit content in 99% of juices.

12. Amul has better satirical cartoonists than people who make better milk products.

13. Most people buy vehicles to travel in bad roads but complain about roads in India.

14. You can't eat Dairy Milk Silk without spreading it all over you face.
 
15. Nobody uses motorbikes for commuting, its only to pick up girls.
 
16. All soaps kill 99.9% of germs.
 
17. People believe that Bacardi makes music CD's and Directors special/ Kingfisher make mineral water.

18. The only time mothers and daughters talk to each other, it's  usually about hair oil.

19. No matter what kind of expert one is, he'll always wear a  white laboratory coat. 

And, finally this

20. Mutual fund investments are always subject to market risks please read the offer document carefully before investing.

Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re assigned to hell.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on .. and — the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone, and says with a lordly air, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.  There’s no telling what  what our engineer is going to come up with next!”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should have never gotten down there; send him back immediately!
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU  going to get a lawyer?”

Management Concepts in a Bank Robbery!

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.  The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's enter the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the account the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB.  The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers.  It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

Future widow

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Fortune teller delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked “Will I be acquitted?”

Drunk on bus

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. "Mister," she said indignantly. "I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!"

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. "Christ, I'm on the wrong bus!"