A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
Dunn Elementary
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school and the principal said, "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary."
The caller said, "Hi. I'm calling to let you know that Little Pauly won't be able to come to school all next week."
"What seems to be the problem with him?" asked the principal.
The caller said, "We are all going on a family vacation. I sure hope there is not a problem with that."
"I guess that would be fine," said the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father."
The caller said, "Hi. I'm calling to let you know that Little Pauly won't be able to come to school all next week."
"What seems to be the problem with him?" asked the principal.
The caller said, "We are all going on a family vacation. I sure hope there is not a problem with that."
"I guess that would be fine," said the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father."
Husband wins lottery
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
Bridge to Hawaii
A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie, "I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii. "The genie said, "I'm sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women."
The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"
The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"
Sharing bottle of wine
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I'll bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "How much you're willing to bet?"
"One hundred dollars!" said the boisterous husband.
"That's all?" inquired the wife.
"OK, two hundred."
"Not too sure of yourself, are you?" teased the wife.
Felling pretty good, the hubby announced, "Five hundred!"
The wife twinkled her nose and calmly said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "How much you're willing to bet?"
"One hundred dollars!" said the boisterous husband.
"That's all?" inquired the wife.
"OK, two hundred."
"Not too sure of yourself, are you?" teased the wife.
Felling pretty good, the hubby announced, "Five hundred!"
The wife twinkled her nose and calmly said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."
A Mother's Dictionary
A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE: No.
N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE: No.
N - NAIL POLISH: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Corporate lesson
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Genie
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Fatal car accident
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering: what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering: what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
International Council of Manhood Rules of Being a Man
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when
it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when
it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you're next!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood
Marriage Proverbs
* Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.
* If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
* Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
* Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.
* Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
* Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
* If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
* Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
* Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.
* Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
* Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
The best relationship
The best relation ever is between two eyes,
"they blink together,
move together,
cry together,
see together and sleep together".
STILL they never see directly at each other.
But when they see a girl, one will blink and an other will not.
Moral of the story: "Girls can break any kind of relationships".
Nun Golfing
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my
life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my
life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
Love
A group of Marine Corp Officers is standing around talking when a Lieutenant said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."
Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.
The Major says, "Excuse me, Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"
The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."
Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.
The Major says, "Excuse me, Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"
The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."
Fall asleep after sex
Martin and Todd are talking in a bar.
Martin says, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they have screwed a woman?"
To which Todd says, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Martin replies, "The other 40% must first drive home before they can sleep..."
Martin says, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they have screwed a woman?"
To which Todd says, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Martin replies, "The other 40% must first drive home before they can sleep..."
Good Question!....... Next Question
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Classy things to say when stressed
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"
5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
14. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
15. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
16. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
17. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
19. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
20. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
21. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"
5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
14. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
15. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
16. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
17. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
19. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
20. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
21. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
Parting Chips
An Accountant, a Lawyer and a Cowboy were standing Side-by-Side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I was educated in Horsefly and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"
Computer diagnosis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Mack says
to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I
better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend
that kind of money," Mike replies.
to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I
better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend
that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner
drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and
the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer
could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack
hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to
rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs repair.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better
The First Date
A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."
He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"
She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."
He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"
She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"
None of my business
Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbor, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said,"Was he short, about 5'8"?
"Yes," the neighbor answers, "I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.
"Yes," the neighbor agrees.
"Then that was the mailman, Jim" Thorn responds. "He'll screw anyone!...."
Pep talk
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come
to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said,
'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit?'"
Arthiritis
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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