Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!"
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Recession Update
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the 25 thieves. "15 were laid off "
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, "and not money"
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: "Start off with a large one."
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out "I'm now America 's third biggest lender."
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: "Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon."
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: "In a few weeks, nothing."
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
10. Quote from a wall street banker: 'This is worse than divorce. I've lost half of my assets and I still have my wife!!!!..'
Bragging
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. "My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Efficiency expert
An efficiency expert, called into a company to find out why they were losing money, stopped one man and asked him what he did.
"Nothing," said the employee.
The expert turned to another man standing nearby and asked him what he did.
"Nothing," was his reply.
"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."
"Nothing," said the employee.
The expert turned to another man standing nearby and asked him what he did.
"Nothing," was his reply.
"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."
Jap accent
Asian guy to bank teller “Yesterday I get 2 hunat dolla fo yen, today hunat eighty? Why it change?"
She said “Fluctations”
Jap said "Fluc u white guys too!"
She said “Fluctations”
Jap said "Fluc u white guys too!"
Kentucky Derby Time
A group of Kentucky second, third and fourth graders accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
He replied: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
He replied: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
Choices
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
Psychology instructor
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"
Hunter
A guy meets a hunter at the local pub. "So, what do you hunt?" he asks.
"Unicorns." the hunter answers.
The guy was startled, but regains his composure and says, "Really? How do you do that?"
"I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, I set off a snare."
"Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." says the guy.
"Yeah," replies the hunter. "And there ain't many unicorns around, either!"
Graduation
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Class of 1949."
IRS
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the I.R.S....and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Gynaecologist
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would
be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved and he signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did all of it through the muffler."
Reunion
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now
a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay night club."
The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Night Court
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court. Police had rounded up a collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge.
Three hookers, all arrested on the same corner, stood before him.
He asked the first what she had to say for herself.
The young woman was irate, "I have no idea what this is all about, your Honor. I am a college student doing research for a term paper."
Sighing, the Judge said, "Young lady, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer indicates you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He then turned to the second woman and asked that she testify.
She began to cry and said, "Judge, I am only a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I don't understand why I was arrested."
The Judge shook his head and said, "Well, the officer tells me that he observed you handing a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' who was
sitting in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."
The Judge then turned to the third woman and asked her occupation.
"I'm a hooker," she calmly replied.
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "So, how's business?"
"It's terrible, Judge," she replied. "With all these housewives and students around, competition is very tough!"
Department store job
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"
The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishin'.'"
Head of lettuce
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Montreal!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she play?"
Biker
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND-JOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering ," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I sure am."
The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your hands, and make me a cheeseburger."
Gas Company
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Cure for Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
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