Top 15 Surprise Features of the iPhone

15 Comes with a default "One of us! One of us! One of us!" ringtone.

14 The middle row of the new keypad arrangement spells out "B I L G A T E S U X."

13 Won't work if it detects you wearing eyeglasses and a suit.

12 Dial #666 to change all the digital "paintings" in Bill Gates' mansion to anime porn.

11 The right key sequence turns it into a Jedi light sabre.

10 Purchasing the iJack add-on feature means you need not actually be in the same vicinity as your significant other ever again.

9 Just drop it in a glass of Jolt Cola to recharge it.

8 Includes video of a steel-cage match between the nerdy-cool "I'm a Mac" guy and the nerdy-cool "Can you hear me now" Verizon guy.

7 Comes with its own "Official Apple Beta-Tester Club" card and badge.

6 The new touch screen, combined with AT&T's wireless service, allows you to reach out and fondle someone.

5 Rounded edges and mirror smooth surface makes it easier to shove up the ass of a smug owner.

4 iVelcro features allows easy attaching to your Segway or Vespa.

3 It conveniently combines all your indispensable functions -- phone, camera, music player and PDA -- into a single overpriced, easily lost device.

2 It's name is an anagram of "hip one" -- how friggin' cool is THAT?!?

and the Number 1 Surprise Features of the iPhone...

1 Cranial-GPS feature comes in handy when you realize you've lost your mind and paid $600 for a freakin' phone!