Asian guy to bank teller “Yesterday I get 2 hunat dolla fo yen, today hunat eighty? Why it change?"
She said “Fluctations”
Jap said "Fluc u white guys too!"
Why we love children - Part 6
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Why we love children - Part 5
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Why we love children - Part 3
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
Why we love children - Part 2
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
Why we love children - Part 1
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
Murphy's Rules of Sex
- Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring, but don't say no.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring, but don't say no.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Cannibal
Teacher: "Andrew, what is a cannibal?"
Andrew: "Don't know."
Teacher: "Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?"
Andrew: "An orphan, ma'am."
On scales
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
What is Butt Dust?
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?'. Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six'.
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six'.
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
From British Newspapers
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily
Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Charming cottage like shops
England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-looking books. So she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But just so that you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But just so that you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."
Psychiatrist
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived. And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"
"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived. And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"
Women's Lib
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the back of the room came a male voice, "He'd still be in the Garden of Eden leading a care-free life!
She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the back of the room came a male voice, "He'd still be in the Garden of Eden leading a care-free life!
Barbershop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After he man received the full treatment - manicure, shave, shampoo, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a new pair of deck shoes before the race tomorrow," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're going to get a free haircut!'"
"I'm going to buy a new pair of deck shoes before the race tomorrow," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're going to get a free haircut!'"
Viagra
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
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