Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy".
Little boy
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
I'm The Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, and she wants her sign back!"
He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, and she wants her sign back!"
Not seeing the wife for a few days
A married man left work one Friday Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Oranges
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please." he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
Another Reason To Live In Texas
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Blonde in shop
A Blonde enters a shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Good Things To Remember
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said: Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes . I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said: Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes . I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Panda
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where do you think you're going? You just shot my windows out and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner,"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner gets out a dictionary, looks it up, and sees the following definition for "panda". . . . . . A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin. Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where do you think you're going? You just shot my windows out and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner,"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner gets out a dictionary, looks it up, and sees the following definition for "panda". . . . . . A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin. Eats shoots and leaves."
School
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer."
Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"
The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!"
Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"
The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!"
Alligator
Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian. "What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.
"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc," the gator says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by."
Concerned, the vet gives him a through examination and hands him a few pills. "What are these?" the gator asks.
"It's a pill very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.
"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem." The alligator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?"
"Well." The vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."
"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc," the gator says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by."
Concerned, the vet gives him a through examination and hands him a few pills. "What are these?" the gator asks.
"It's a pill very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.
"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem." The alligator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?"
"Well." The vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."
Wedding night
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
Toaster
One of their wedding presents was a toaster. Soon after the honeymoon she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed from the toaster.
"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops," came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops," came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
Pet Hamster
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they promised they would take care of it, mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her five-year-old son replied quizzically, "Uh, once?"
After a moment, her five-year-old son replied quizzically, "Uh, once?"
Next question please
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days, and if it does not come you're f*cked.
A: Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days, and if it does not come you're f*cked.
Doctor
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the towns people.
So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the towns people.
So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."
Two adults on a plane
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff," Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff," Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
Pancakes
As a mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait'."
The older boy said to his younger brother, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait'."
The older boy said to his younger brother, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)