On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American soldier, and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
'In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day' said the Russian.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'in the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day.'
'That's nothing,' said the American, 'in the US army we get 8000 calories of food a day.'
At this the Russian got very annoyed. 'Nonsense,' he said, 'how could one man eat so much cabbage?'
Psych ward
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."
"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."
"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
Crowded elevator
As the crowded elevator descended, the wife became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped the husband and said, "That'll teach you to pinch!"
The bewildered husband was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "Honey ... I ... I ... promise I didn't pinch that girl."
The wife smiled and said consolingly, "Of course you didn't' sweetheart. I did."
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped the husband and said, "That'll teach you to pinch!"
The bewildered husband was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "Honey ... I ... I ... promise I didn't pinch that girl."
The wife smiled and said consolingly, "Of course you didn't' sweetheart. I did."
Company cook
A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."
Blonde
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
MBA's
MBA's do a lot of resource mobilization... just an example...
One afternoon a rich MBA was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the MBAsaid.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree.
'Bring them along,' the MBA replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!
'Bring them all, as well,' the MBA answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The MBA replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!'
One afternoon a rich MBA was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the MBAsaid.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree.
'Bring them along,' the MBA replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!
'Bring them all, as well,' the MBA answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The MBA replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!'
Palm reader
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the palm reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from the 'love line' on my palm?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
Paul readily agreed and the palm reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from the 'love line' on my palm?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
Swedish au pair
The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year.While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with English. One day she informed the lady of the house, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.
"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?"
"Oh... yust the same as husband's, but a little bit thicker."
"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?"
"Oh... yust the same as husband's, but a little bit thicker."
Tata Nano
Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter. 'Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife?'
'Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life.'
'Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.'
St. Peter turns to Francis, 'How many times did you cheat on your wife?' Francis replies, 'I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.'
St. Peter says, 'OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the key. Get going!'
He then looks at Ubaldo, 'And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?'
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, 'I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!'
St Peter replies, 'Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!'
Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
Michael asks, 'What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!' Between sobs Ubaldo explains, 'I just saw my wife in a Nano!'
'Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life.'
'Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.'
St. Peter turns to Francis, 'How many times did you cheat on your wife?' Francis replies, 'I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.'
St. Peter says, 'OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the key. Get going!'
He then looks at Ubaldo, 'And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?'
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, 'I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!'
St Peter replies, 'Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!'
Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
Michael asks, 'What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!' Between sobs Ubaldo explains, 'I just saw my wife in a Nano!'
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