A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Dire circumstances
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire circumstances. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
New York Divorce Lawyer
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Fairy land
Once upon a time there dwelt, in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw. Verily he could conceal it by adjustment of doublet and hose, yet it did sorely trouble him. So that each day he would go into the deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly at the silver screw.
Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone, that bundle is too heavy for you to carry. Let me
lift thy burden.' The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a wish.'
The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a moment. 'Please, please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.' The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and, struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens, using the crone's magic spell.
Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant golden screwdriver.
As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up the shaft of light which, in
turn, disappeared. As did the dark boiling clouds and celestial chorus.The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he turned the screw once,
twice, thrice! And his bum fell off.
Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone, that bundle is too heavy for you to carry. Let me
lift thy burden.' The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a wish.'
The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a moment. 'Please, please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.' The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and, struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens, using the crone's magic spell.
Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant golden screwdriver.
As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up the shaft of light which, in
turn, disappeared. As did the dark boiling clouds and celestial chorus.The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he turned the screw once,
twice, thrice! And his bum fell off.
Build house
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.
"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking bricks."
She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.
"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking bricks."
Big city
Mary Sue was visiting the big city for the first time. She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
"Young man -- I may be old and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!"
"Ma'am, this is the elevator."
"Young man -- I may be old and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!"
"Ma'am, this is the elevator."
Before it starts
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started."
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started."
Wearing wedding ring
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
Next question please
Q: What did the little boy say to Math?
A: Grow up! Learn to solve your own problems.
A: Grow up! Learn to solve your own problems.
Local tavern
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"
Worried father
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."
"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."
"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
Bank Robbery
A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank. But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me Rob
this Bank?"
The customer replies, "Well, yes!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?".
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
this Bank?"
The customer replies, "Well, yes!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?".
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
Explorer
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."
Heaven
Three married guys die and meet St.Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The gut answers truthfully, "Every chance I got." Peter then points to two doors and says
to enter the second one. "
He turns to the second guy asking him the same question. "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two.
Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy thinks for about five seconds and says, "Well, yes. You see I was in this saloon in Texas and noticed that they had only one cowgirl working there to take care of all the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, that's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose. So that's when I cheated on my wife".
Peter then told the guy to enter door number one. The guy asks "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?"
Peter says, "Yes, and they're both going to Hell......... But you and I are going to Texas!"
to enter the second one. "
He turns to the second guy asking him the same question. "A couple of times," the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two.
Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy thinks for about five seconds and says, "Well, yes. You see I was in this saloon in Texas and noticed that they had only one cowgirl working there to take care of all the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well, that's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose. So that's when I cheated on my wife".
Peter then told the guy to enter door number one. The guy asks "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?"
Peter says, "Yes, and they're both going to Hell......... But you and I are going to Texas!"
Deathbed
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know darling," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know darling," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
Food for thought
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Virgin
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first
time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams..."What the heck was that!!?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first
time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams..."What the heck was that!!?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"
Little boy
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He
straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the
air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He
straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the
air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Married
A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said,"Where will you sleep tonight?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
Drunk
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Nun
Two newly ordained nuns decided to take a day out. They went to London Zoo and were enjoying themselves, wandering around and looking at all the animals, and then they came upon the cage housing the gorillas. As one of the nuns leaned forward to observe the gorillas more closely, the biggest of the gorillas took one look at this beautiful young nun, leapt forward, bent open the bars, grabbed her, dragged her into the cage and disappeared into the back of his cavern with her. When the gorilla was finished with her, he came out of his cavern and ceremoniously thumped on his massive chest.
In the meantime, the nun managed to crawl and drag herself back out of the cage, and fell into the arms of the other nun. She was completely dishevelled, her hair was a mess, her clothes all dusty and askew, her tights were laddered and torn. She pulled herself together, straightened her dress and tidied herself up. She then turned to her friend and said, "Promise me one thing. Never, ever, mention this - or even ask me what happened. Ever ever again! Alright?"
The other nun agreed, and they made their way back to the convent. The years passed. The two nuns remained loyal friends and never talked about that day again. Many many years later, in their convent, the nun lay dying. At her bedside, the other nun, still her ever loyal friend, comforted her. Hesitantly, she finally said, "I know I promised to never ever talk about that incident at the zoo all those years ago... But, my dear, please... it won't go any further... I promise... I truly do! I've always wondered.... Can I ask you something?"
The dying nun nodded. "Whatever was it that actually happened in the back of that cage between you and that gorilla...?" She hesitated again, then stammered, "That... That gorilla... Did... did he... did he hurt you?"
The other nun slowly turned and looked at her, a tear trickled from her eye, "Did he hurt me?!" She looked away and paused to take a breath. The other nun patiently waited for her friend to finish. "Oh, did he hurt me... He never wrote... He never called... He never even sent flowers....!"
In the meantime, the nun managed to crawl and drag herself back out of the cage, and fell into the arms of the other nun. She was completely dishevelled, her hair was a mess, her clothes all dusty and askew, her tights were laddered and torn. She pulled herself together, straightened her dress and tidied herself up. She then turned to her friend and said, "Promise me one thing. Never, ever, mention this - or even ask me what happened. Ever ever again! Alright?"
The other nun agreed, and they made their way back to the convent. The years passed. The two nuns remained loyal friends and never talked about that day again. Many many years later, in their convent, the nun lay dying. At her bedside, the other nun, still her ever loyal friend, comforted her. Hesitantly, she finally said, "I know I promised to never ever talk about that incident at the zoo all those years ago... But, my dear, please... it won't go any further... I promise... I truly do! I've always wondered.... Can I ask you something?"
The dying nun nodded. "Whatever was it that actually happened in the back of that cage between you and that gorilla...?" She hesitated again, then stammered, "That... That gorilla... Did... did he... did he hurt you?"
The other nun slowly turned and looked at her, a tear trickled from her eye, "Did he hurt me?!" She looked away and paused to take a breath. The other nun patiently waited for her friend to finish. "Oh, did he hurt me... He never wrote... He never called... He never even sent flowers....!"
Food for thought
Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)