A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who glared at him and snarled, "Open the case!" Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongingsand pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin and kissed it. "What is that?" snarled the customs officer. "What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life that I am leaving behind." "I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!" A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!" Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that?" said the customs officer. "What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?'- you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life." "I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!" At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew. "Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask, 'Who is that?' - You should ask, 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold and a just bit of black shoe polish".  |
You really can't catch the Jews
After I die
Sitting at the breakfast table the old man asked his wife "when I die, sell all of my stuff."
"Why should I do that?"
"Cause I don't want some asshole enjoying my stuff."
"What makes you think I am going to marry another asshole?"
"Why should I do that?"
"Cause I don't want some asshole enjoying my stuff."
"What makes you think I am going to marry another asshole?"
Next question please
"Hey, lover," said the hipster to the beautiful chick he'd jut met, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No" she answered, "but I bet it really hurts."
"No" she answered, "but I bet it really hurts."
Proof that men make better friends
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a "friend's" house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it...!!
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a Friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that had slept over, and two said he was still there.....!
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a "friend's" house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it...!!
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a Friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that had slept over, and two said he was still there.....!
David's marriage
In the week before his marriage David sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he'd ever dated. At the end of that time his penis was literally twisted and broken. David begged his doctor to help him, but the best the physician could do was create a makeshift splint, taping the worn member between four thin slats.
On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he'd tell her about his ravaged organ.The woman spread her legs. "Look, honey," she said. "Never been touched by a man."
David undid his pajama pants. "Look, honey," he said. "Still in its original crate!"
On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he'd tell her about his ravaged organ.The woman spread her legs. "Look, honey," she said. "Never been touched by a man."
David undid his pajama pants. "Look, honey," he said. "Still in its original crate!"
Little Johnny strikes again
One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.
Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct.
Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"
Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct.
Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"
Cow impregnation
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores: "A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tell him.
"What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang up your pants"
Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tell him.
"What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang up your pants"
How True
What is it called when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it called when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute
Sexual harassment.
What is it called when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute
Man in bar
A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck.
Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says "Excuse me, but do you know that man's secret? I mean, he's not what you'd call attractive … in fact; he's ugly as sin …and yet the ladies adore him. I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to score all night. What's going on?"
"Well," said the barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows"
Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says "Excuse me, but do you know that man's secret? I mean, he's not what you'd call attractive … in fact; he's ugly as sin …and yet the ladies adore him. I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to score all night. What's going on?"
"Well," said the barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows"
Kids speak
The first part was read out by the teacher, the second given by various six year-old.
Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
Better late than..........................pregnant
Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
Better late than..........................pregnant
Farmer
The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer.
"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?"
"Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?"
"Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
Harvard Vs Yale
At a Harvard-Yale football game a man from Harvard and a man from Yale end up at the urinal together. When the two men finished the man from Harvard headed for the sink while the man from Yale headed for the door.
The man from Harvard says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we pee."
The man from Yale replies, "At Yale they teach us not to pee on our hands"
The man from Harvard says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we pee."
The man from Yale replies, "At Yale they teach us not to pee on our hands"
Jury duty
"Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?"my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.
A nervous young man stood up. "I'd like to be dismissed," he said.
"And why is that?"
"My wife is about to conceive."
Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, "I believe,sir, you mean 'deliver.' But either way, I agree. You should be there."
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