1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
11. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
12. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
13. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
15. There is a common held belief that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
Golf
"I just don't understand why men don't want women to golf with them." said Jill one day to her friend Mary.
"TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill
"Legitimate questions, I thought." said Mary.
"Like what?" asked Jill?
Replied Mary, "Questions like, 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?', stuff like that."
"TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!"
"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill
"Legitimate questions, I thought." said Mary.
"Like what?" asked Jill?
Replied Mary, "Questions like, 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?', stuff like that."
House of ill repute
A guy goes to a house of ill repute and says to the madam, "I want to get screwed."
"Go up to room #12 and knock on the door."
The guy walks up to the room, knocks on the door, and says, "I want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies, "Just slide a hundred dollars under the door."
So the man slides a $100 bill under the door and waits. Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out, "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
"Go up to room #12 and knock on the door."
The guy walks up to the room, knocks on the door, and says, "I want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies, "Just slide a hundred dollars under the door."
So the man slides a $100 bill under the door and waits. Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out, "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
Next question please
Q: What Is Better, Being Born Black Or Gay?
A: Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
A: Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
Word and their meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Drunk
Two buddies, Bob and Ben, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Ben throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Bob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Ben stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Ben says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.. ''Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too.'
Bob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Ben stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Ben says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.. ''Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too.'
Next question please
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide?
A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
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