A recent survey was conducted also to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. Here are the survey results :
* 5% said it was to get a glass of water
* 12% said it was to go to the bathroom
* 83% said it was to go home
Highlander
One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but ... " stammers the driver
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but ... " says the driver.
"Now!! ... " he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but ... " stammers the driver
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but ... " says the driver.
"Now!! ... " he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Pun Intended
The hotel porter refused to carry my baggage, so I punched him. My case comes up next week.
Little Mexican boy
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face saying, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy."
His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See? Did you learn anything from that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"
His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See? Did you learn anything from that?"
The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"
Walking dog
A man's out walking his dog one day, when it slips the leash, and runs away. As the man is chasing the dog down the street, the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there.
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a cash settlement. Would twenty-five dollars do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another twenty-five!"
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a cash settlement. Would twenty-five dollars do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another twenty-five!"
Golf
Harry teed his ball up, addressed his golf ball, and took a magnificent swing. Something went wrong, and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and it went onto the adjoining one -- where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two clublengths away without penalty."
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two clublengths away without penalty."
Pregnant
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
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