In England, a man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way."
Radar gun
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,"That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,"That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
World War II
It seems that a young blonde man volunteered for military service during World War II. Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
Crashed plane
A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man... your plane only went down yesterday!"
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man... your plane only went down yesterday!"
Parish Priest
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office.
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
Psychiatrist
A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling." The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."
"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband, too!"
"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband, too!"
Fuckawee
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee". The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around, an says: "Hmmmm, where the Fuckawee"
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee". The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around, an says: "Hmmmm, where the Fuckawee"
Next question please
Q: Why do Italians wear gold chains around their necks?
A: So they will know where to stop shaving.
A: So they will know where to stop shaving.
Vigra
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'
No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor!'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'
No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor!'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
Sunday School
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Ruben piped up, "They must be bored again Christians."
Ruben piped up, "They must be bored again Christians."
Jewish gentleman
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.
Law of the garbage truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were Driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a Parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his Brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of The other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi Driver just smiled and
waved at the guy. And I mean he was really Friendly.
waved at the guy. And I mean he was really Friendly.
So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car And sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around Full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of Disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it And sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.
Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage And spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take Over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, So...Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
Have a blessed, garbage-free day!
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes the difference!
A ship's engine failed. The ship's owner tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure out the problem. Then the owner hired an old man who had been fixing ships since he was young.
The old man inspected the engine top to bottom. After looking things over, the old man reached into his tool bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine went life again.
A week later, the owner received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars . "What?!" the owner exclaimed. " The old man hardly did anything!" So the owner wrote to the old man a note saying, "Please
send me an itemized bill."
The old man sent a bill that reads:
Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ...... ...$ 2
Knowing where to tap.... ...................... $ 9,998
The old man inspected the engine top to bottom. After looking things over, the old man reached into his tool bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine went life again.
A week later, the owner received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars . "What?!" the owner exclaimed. " The old man hardly did anything!" So the owner wrote to the old man a note saying, "Please
send me an itemized bill."
The old man sent a bill that reads:
Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ...... ...$ 2
Knowing where to tap.... ...................... $ 9,998
Southern Livin'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?'
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying.. 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied, 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.'
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?'
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying.. 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied, 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.'
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
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