| An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words have a seemingly self-contradictory effect 1) Clearly misunderstood 2) Exact Estimate 3) Small Crowd 4) Act Naturally 5) Found Missing 6) Fully Empty 7) Pretty ugly 8) Seriously funny 9) Only choice 10) Original copies 11) Blonde Intelligence 12) Bureaucratic efficiencies And the best of all is 13) Happily Married |
Funny Oxymorons
20 of the most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA.
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The beach was too sandy."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England but it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The beach was too sandy."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England but it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
Rabbit
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory, and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!"
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory, and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!"
Rabbi
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him. The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
Cannibals
Three men were walking through the jungle when they were captured by cannibals. The cannibals thought they would be were released into the jungle to pick three of one type of fruit and come back to see the chief. After this the chief would tell them what to do.
The first man got three apples. The chief said, "Okay, you must swallow all three of these apples without gagging or chewing." The man got the first one in his throat, gagged, and died.
The second man came in with berries. The chief gave him the same task. The second man swallowed two with ease, gagged on the third one, and died.
Now these two men were up in heaven. The first man asked the second, "Why did you gag? You had berries! You could have lived!"
The second guy replied, "Yeah, but I almost laughed when I saw the third man coming with pineapples!"
The first man got three apples. The chief said, "Okay, you must swallow all three of these apples without gagging or chewing." The man got the first one in his throat, gagged, and died.
The second man came in with berries. The chief gave him the same task. The second man swallowed two with ease, gagged on the third one, and died.
Now these two men were up in heaven. The first man asked the second, "Why did you gag? You had berries! You could have lived!"
The second guy replied, "Yeah, but I almost laughed when I saw the third man coming with pineapples!"
Small-town doctor
The small-town doctor was famous in the area for always catching VERY large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scale.
The baby weighed in at 32 pounds, 10 ounces.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scale.
The baby weighed in at 32 pounds, 10 ounces.
Donation
A rich man walks into the Dean's Office at a small college. "I'd like to donate several million dollars to the institution."
"Why, that's very generous of you."
"But there is one condition: I'd like you to bestow an honorary degree."
"That's no problem; no problem at all."
"I haven't finished. I want an honorary degree for my horse."
"Your horse?"
"Yup, you bet. She carried me for many a year and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive her Tr.d. - Doctor of Transportation."
"I'm sorry, we can't give a degree to a horse. What will people think?"
"Well, I'll just take my donation to another educational institution."
"Wait, wait! Let me consult with the school trustees." The dean calls a hurried trustee meeting and relays the details of the deal. All of the board except the oldest member reacts with shock and dismay. The oldest
trustee looks like he's sleeping through the meeting. After all the arguments, the old man says, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
"What? Don't you think that would disgrace the college?"
"We give honorary degrees to lawyers, don't we?"
"Yes, but ..."
"We give honorary degrees to politicians, don't we?"
"Yes ..."
"So what's wrong with giving an honorary degree to the entire horse?"
"Why, that's very generous of you."
"But there is one condition: I'd like you to bestow an honorary degree."
"That's no problem; no problem at all."
"I haven't finished. I want an honorary degree for my horse."
"Your horse?"
"Yup, you bet. She carried me for many a year and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive her Tr.d. - Doctor of Transportation."
"I'm sorry, we can't give a degree to a horse. What will people think?"
"Well, I'll just take my donation to another educational institution."
"Wait, wait! Let me consult with the school trustees." The dean calls a hurried trustee meeting and relays the details of the deal. All of the board except the oldest member reacts with shock and dismay. The oldest
trustee looks like he's sleeping through the meeting. After all the arguments, the old man says, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
"What? Don't you think that would disgrace the college?"
"We give honorary degrees to lawyers, don't we?"
"Yes, but ..."
"We give honorary degrees to politicians, don't we?"
"Yes ..."
"So what's wrong with giving an honorary degree to the entire horse?"
Astronomer
An astronomer went on an expedition to Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun. Unfortunately, cannibals captured him the day before the eclipse was due. He hatched a plan out of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court:" he figured he'd threaten to extinguish the sun unless he were released. But of course the timing had to be just right.
So, in the few words of the cannibals' tongue that he knew, he asked his guard what time they planned to kill him. The guard answered, "Tradition has it that captives are killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
The astronomer thought, "Great," as the guard continued, "But in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
So, in the few words of the cannibals' tongue that he knew, he asked his guard what time they planned to kill him. The guard answered, "Tradition has it that captives are killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
The astronomer thought, "Great," as the guard continued, "But in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
Sick daughter
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She suggested, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure".
He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She suggested, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure".
He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
New York Cab
A woman and her son are taking a cab in New York City. It's raining and all the hookers are standing under the awnings.
The young boy asks, "Mom, what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work."
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have s*x with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers "yes."
"Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become cab drivers."
The young boy asks, "Mom, what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work."
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have s*x with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers "yes."
"Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become cab drivers."
Navy boot camp
Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise.
He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."
The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."
He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."
The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."
Chairman of the board
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news: I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
"Why?" asked the chairman?
"Because," I said, "our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP."
"Why?" asked the chairman?
"Because," I said, "our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP."
Wedding
Usher to wedding guest: "Are you a friend of the bride?"
"No, of course not. I'm the groom's mother."
"No, of course not. I'm the groom's mother."
The Donkey and the Dog
I think you may find one in your midst!
There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep too but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.
The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.
Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.
Moral of the story "One must not engage in duties other than his own"
Now take a new look at the same story...
The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.. He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it. Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favourite pet.
The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dog's duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed "ME" (Met Expectations) .
Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.
The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a NEW JOB... Perhaps he should have kicked the dog in the first place, urging him to perform thru' peer pressure!!
Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary. Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely intentional !!
There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep too but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.
The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.
Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.
Moral of the story "One must not engage in duties other than his own"
Now take a new look at the same story...
The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.. He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it. Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favourite pet.
The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dog's duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed "ME" (Met Expectations) .
Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.
The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a NEW JOB... Perhaps he should have kicked the dog in the first place, urging him to perform thru' peer pressure!!
Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary. Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely intentional !!
Camel
A man is riding his camel in the desert when suddenly it comes to a dead stop. He gets off and pulls the camel by the lead. It walks just fine but as soon as he gets back on, it won't budge. Luckily there is an oasis a short distance away, so he walks there, and finds the nearest camel service station.
The attendant says, "Bring the camel up onto the platform."
He leads it there. The attendant pushes a button, which raises the camel up. He takes a look from underneath and says, "I think I see the problem." He pushes another button. Out of the ceiling comes a large, flat metal
device, which slowly draws back, and then violently whacks the camel on the rump.
The camel lets out a roar, goes running out of the shop and disappears into the desert.
The man is furious. He screams, "What the hell did you just do? My camel's gone now! How am I ever going to catch up with him?!"
Nonchalantly, the attendant says, "Step up onto the platform."
The attendant says, "Bring the camel up onto the platform."
He leads it there. The attendant pushes a button, which raises the camel up. He takes a look from underneath and says, "I think I see the problem." He pushes another button. Out of the ceiling comes a large, flat metal
device, which slowly draws back, and then violently whacks the camel on the rump.
The camel lets out a roar, goes running out of the shop and disappears into the desert.
The man is furious. He screams, "What the hell did you just do? My camel's gone now! How am I ever going to catch up with him?!"
Nonchalantly, the attendant says, "Step up onto the platform."
First day at school
It was the little girl's first day at school and the teacher was making out her registration card.
"What is your father's name?
"Daddy," replied the child.
"Yes, I know, but what does your mother call him?"
"Oh, she doesn't call him anything. She likes him!"
"What is your father's name?
"Daddy," replied the child.
"Yes, I know, but what does your mother call him?"
"Oh, she doesn't call him anything. She likes him!"
Navy
A U.S Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent.
A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent.
8 year old boy
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8-year-old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football?
Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her Mom, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her Mom runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy as he rides up on his bike, she holds up the football and sings... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boys' bikes and you can't have one!" She runs to her Mom and the next day she waits for him on her new boy's bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My Mom tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her Mom, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her Mom runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy as he rides up on his bike, she holds up the football and sings... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boys' bikes and you can't have one!" She runs to her Mom and the next day she waits for him on her new boy's bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My Mom tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Australian store
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ah Sooo You doing velly well, ONLY TWO LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'Ah Sooo You doing velly well, ONLY TWO LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Penny for your thoughts
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled
with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled
with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Angus blurted out: "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Premature ejaculation
Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."
The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."
Young immigrant couple
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"
Six-year-old
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Judy, Judy!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Judy.' I'm your mother, you know."
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Judy.' I'm your mother, you know."
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
Flower shop
A man walks into a flower shop. "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?" asked the clerk.
He shrugs, "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help." said the clerk. "What exactly have you done?"
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?" asked the clerk.
He shrugs, "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help." said the clerk. "What exactly have you done?"
Umbrella to camp
The counselor was helping the kids put their stuff away on their first day in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked him, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Didn't you ever have a mother?"
The counselor asked him, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Didn't you ever have a mother?"
Judge
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?'"
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?'"
Keyboard shortcuts
A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.
Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?
Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.
Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.
Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?
Caller: Yes, I sure do.
Agent: OK, now press Control-A.
Caller: I am, but nothing happens.
Agent: The text isn't highlighted?
Caller: No, there's no change at all.
Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?
Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.
Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?
Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.
Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.
Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?
Caller: Yes, I sure do.
Agent: OK, now press Control-A.
Caller: I am, but nothing happens.
Agent: The text isn't highlighted?
Caller: No, there's no change at all.
Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?
Hit in the eye
A lady stumbles into the police station with a black eye. She says, "I heard a noise in my back yard and went to investigate. The next thing I knew, I was hit in the eye and knocked out cold."
An officer was dispatched to her house to investigate. He returned several hours later with a black eye. His captain asked, "Did you get hit by the same person?"
"No, I stepped on the same rake."
An officer was dispatched to her house to investigate. He returned several hours later with a black eye. His captain asked, "Did you get hit by the same person?"
"No, I stepped on the same rake."
Butch the Rooster
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
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