Blonde and brunette in the elevator

A blonde and a brunette are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.

The brunette whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders"

Hunters make better lovers

Why do hunters make better lovers?
1. They always go deep into the bush
2. They always shoot twice
3. They always eat what they kill

One fine day, two Indians and a hillbilly were walking in the forest. All of a sudden, one Indian went up to the mouth of a cave and shouted a loud "Woo, Woo, Woo". There was an answering, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." The Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The hillbilly asked the other Indian, "Hey, what was that all about?"

The Indian answered, "It's mating season and it's our custom to mate in caves. The females stay in the caves, and when the males see a cave, they go to it and shout a Woo, Woo, and Woo. If there is an answer, then that means that there is a female ready to mate." "Oh okay," said the hillbilly, not really understanding the weird Indian customs. A few minutes later, the second Indian ran up to the mouth of a cave and shouted, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answer to his Woo's so the Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. Feeling alone, the Hillbilly kept walking through the forest. He came to a huge cave, and he thought to himself, 'Hey, that cave is so big, there must be some big, fine, women in there ready to mate.' So, he decided to go up to the mouth of the cave and shout, "Woo, Woo, Woo." There was an answering, "Woo, Woo, Woo," so the hillbilly tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The next morning's paper headline was:"Naked Hillbilly Killed By Freight Train"

Democrats or republicans?

Two ladies were out driving in the Virginia countryside fifty miles from Washington D.C. One of them pointed out two naked men in a field masturbating each other.
"Look" she said, "two Democrats jerking each other off."
"How do you know they're Democrats?" Her friend asked.
"If they were Republicans, they'd be fucking a crowd of poor people".

Quotable quotes

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery (I presume he is an Australian genius...gsb)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Foundation of zen

From Ch 22 of 'The Fountains of Paradise'

Driven to despair by his fruitless attempts to understand the Universe, the sage Devadasa finally announced in exasperation

ALL STATEMENTS THAT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD ARE FALSE.

Instantly, his least-favourite disciple Somasiri replied "The sentence I am now speaking contains the word God. I fail to see, Oh Noble Master, how that simple statement can be false."

Devadasa considered the matter for several Poyas. Then he answered, this time with apparent satisfaction:

ONLY STATEMENTS THAT DO NOT CONTAIN THE WORD GOD CAN BE TRUE.

After a pause barely sufficient for a starving mongoose to swallow a millet seed, Somasiri replied: "If this statement applies to itself; Oh Venerable One, it cannot be true, because it contains the word God. But if it is not true -"

At this point, Devadasa broke his begging-bowl upon Somasiri's head, and should therefore be honoured as the true founder of Zen.

(From a fragment of the Culavamsa, as yet undiscovered)

Kids answers in school

Some creative answers that kids have given in tests at school
 
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let people know they're there.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things, like when people forget to put the top on.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population

CIA meeting

A  CIA agent is sent on an assignment to Ireland. When he gets there, he's supposed to meet a contact named "Murphy". When he meets his contact, he's supposed to identify himself by saying, "It's a lovely day, and I'm sure it will be even better tonight."

So he arrives and heads to one of the pubs. Inside, he walks up to the bartender and says, "Excuse me, I'm looking for a man named Murphy." To which the Bartender replies, "Well, if you're looking' for Murphy the post man, he'll be at the post office, and Murphy the Police Man will be at the Police department, and if you're looking' for Murphy the Bartender, that's me."

So the man thinks about it for a minute, and then says to the Bartender, "It's a lovely day, and I'm sure it will be even better tonight."

And the Bartender says, "Oh, your looking' for Murphy the Spy, are yeh?"

Marriage anniversary

The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Joe," she said. "Let's kill the pig."

Joe scratched his head. "Gee, Philomena," he finally said, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."