Sneezing in the plane

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Fishing for wishes

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.

Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew.

Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat"

Cairo bazaar

A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, by friend," said the trader, "only one hundred pounds."

"No thank you," said the tourist. "It's far too expensive."

"How 'bout dis one, my friend?" said the street trader, producing a small skull.

"Whose skull is that?"

"dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!"

Birthday surprise

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember"

The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

The Warning

If you can't be a shining example, then just serve as a horrible warning.

Argument

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Book salesman

A guy with a speech impediment (he stutters) gets a job selling books door-to-door.

On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o'clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.

The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the first day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o'clock with all the receipts, no books.

This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, "This is truly amazing, in a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What's your sales pitch?"

"W-w-well," says the salesman, "I s-s-say, 'D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?"

Milkman

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women in his street apart from one.

When he arrived home he related what he had heard to his wife. She said "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23"

True jokes

On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a "Road Closed" sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended, giving way
to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed' Didn't You Understand?"


As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power,the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."


A woman walked into our copy shop to pick up a large order. While there, she asked me to make a copy of her driver's license,birth certificate and passport. When I gave her the total price, she asked if she could pay with a personal check."Sure," I said automatically."I just need to see some ID."


The guest speaker at our training sessions for correctional officers was a leading psychologist. We appreciated the fact that he was able to answer in plain English a question many of us had: What is the difference between someone who is delusional and someone who is schizophrenic?
"Delusional people build castles in the air," he explained. "Schizophrenics move in and live there."


My colleagues and i recently received this e-mail from the facilities department: "Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Dress accordingly."


While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really?  Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."


My father, a gravedigger, was told to prepare for a funeral. But on theday of the service, it was discovered that he had dug up the wrong plot. Luckily for him, the deceased's daughter was very understanding."Poor Dad," she lamented. "He always complained he could never find a parking space." -