Dave

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord…"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"

"It's my four year old son…" Dave replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.

" I only wish it was that" continued Dave "but it's far worse than that. He got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord

"It's not...." he said, " the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms"

Sick veterinarian

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc.

She interrupts him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions; I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her. "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Immigrants

Two migrants arrive in the USA by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.'

'Odd,' the other one replies, 'but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.'

Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it.'Two dogs, please,' says one of the migrants. The vendor is only too please to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously, 'What part did you get?'

Heart operation

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eighth hour's sleep a night.

Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited".

Daffynitions

Some are so apt that they should be in the dictionary.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

Cosmetic surgery

Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, 'I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.'

The second woman says, 'Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached.'

The first woman replies, 'Funny, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde.

Tony

Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse. Oh,

Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.