A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week. "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
__,_._,___
Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained an scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.......
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained an scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.......
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
Kindergarten class
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring Books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm Getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all the f#¤king crayons?"
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm Getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all the f#¤king crayons?"
Heart surgery
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' them, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..
" Try doing it with the engine running . . ."
Pigs in Ireland
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!."
"Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and
only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
Is cleanliness next to Godliness?
Maybe. And then maybe not!
A little dirt never harmed anyone ;-)
Forget the cleaning and the stupid work. So take a break from all the work, sit under the mango tree and take a nice nap :-)
Bumper Stickers You Missed Because You Were Driving Too Fast
The ones in bold are for the "life sucks" brethren
* Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
* Horn Broken. Watch For Finger.
* If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
* Illiterate? Write For Help.
* Honk If Anything Falls Off.
* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
* I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
* Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
* Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
* If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
* Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
* Boldly Going Nowhere.
* Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :
* Politicians & Diapers Both Need To Be Changed, And For The Same Reason.
* Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
* Horn Broken. Watch For Finger.
* If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
* Illiterate? Write For Help.
* Honk If Anything Falls Off.
* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
* I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
* Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
* Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
* If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
* Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
* Boldly Going Nowhere.
* Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :
* Politicians & Diapers Both Need To Be Changed, And For The Same Reason.
Lost husband
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found
him.
"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found
him.
"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
Lawyers
A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are ass-holes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."
The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."
A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."
The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."
First Grade
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a shakespearean play. The first boy was to say "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there staring out at the audience, frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.... "My fair maiden...I have come to kiss your snatch!! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway.."
The audience left howling.
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there staring out at the audience, frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.... "My fair maiden...I have come to kiss your snatch!! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway.."
The audience left howling.
Stupid joke for today (SJFT)
Ok, time for today's stupid joke:
A donkey was climbing a tree, so the elephant seated in the tree asked him "Why are you climbing this tree"
The donkey replied "Coz I want to eat some apples"
Elephant said "But this is a mango tree"
And the donkey replied "I know, that's why I brought the apples with me"
--------------
As the Borg's say - "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated!" (and made a member of this freak club!)
A donkey was climbing a tree, so the elephant seated in the tree asked him "Why are you climbing this tree"
The donkey replied "Coz I want to eat some apples"
Elephant said "But this is a mango tree"
And the donkey replied "I know, that's why I brought the apples with me"
--------------
As the Borg's say - "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated!" (and made a member of this freak club!)
From the mouth of babes
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Tallest Tower in Canada
The CN Tower, located in Toronto, Ontario, is the world's tallest freestanding structure on land, standing 553.33 meters (1,815 ft 5 in) tall. It is considered the signature icon of the city, attracting more than two million international visitors annually. It was built for the Canadian National Railway at an original cost of $63 million in 1976.
Here's pic of the tower.
Here's pic of the tower.
The 3 bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful Morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been Eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!? he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the Kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decide to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.............................................
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F****** PORRIDGE YET!!!
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been Eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!? he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the Kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decide to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.............................................
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F****** PORRIDGE YET!!!
One more use for duct tape?
Some of you folks may actually not find this funny. I agree with you, this is no way to treat a duckie!
Garden sex
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden"
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden"
Bad mornings
For no apparent reason - today's morning started off badly and seems it's not going to be gr8 day either. Well screw it - time for a joke! Here's what a friend sent in a few minutes ago:
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with". "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look". "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in".
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,um…equipment?". "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away". "Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long". That's when Mrs. Smith fainted.
So here's our first joke to help life suck a little less:
These are actual entries made in hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
And one of my friends remarked that she remembers going to Nursing school with a few of these folks!
These are actual entries made in hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
And one of my friends remarked that she remembers going to Nursing school with a few of these folks!
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