At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
Trouble For The SWAT Team
The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"
Job Interview
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were called up to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Scotsman got the job ...
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were called up to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Scotsman got the job ...
New employee
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Bathing in Milk
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck."
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck."
Life Explained...
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is:
........ Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral of this story is:
........ Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
Toy cars
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy.
"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, "No,... I'm not sleepy yet."
How to Impress Clients
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."
Next question please
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Consummating marriage
Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage.
Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed-- I've had sex with one other man before I met you."
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
Sally replies, "The famous golfer--Jack Nicklaus."
They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"Going for a cuppa."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Jack Nicklaus," said Eric, "I want to find out what the par is on this damn hole! "
Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed-- I've had sex with one other man before I met you."
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
Sally replies, "The famous golfer--Jack Nicklaus."
They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"Going for a cuppa."
Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Jack Nicklaus," said Eric, "I want to find out what the par is on this damn hole! "
Deer hunting
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended.
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
The interview ended.
Amateur photographer
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
Arab marketplace
Some Americans were touring an Arab marketplace and one of them saw a man sitting on the ground brushing his camel.
"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know the time?"
Ammar looked at the American. The he reached over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly. "Ten after two," he said, at last.
"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he
announced: "Twenty- one minutes past two."
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the first American remained. He leaned over.
"Listen," he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars if you show me how you can tell the time by holding your camel's balls."
Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down beside him on the ground. Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them to the side, out of the way.
"Do you see that clock on the tower over there?" he asked.
"Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know the time?"
Ammar looked at the American. The he reached over and held the camel's balls, moving them slightly. "Ten after two," he said, at last.
"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him, "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again Ammar reached for the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he
announced: "Twenty- one minutes past two."
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the first American remained. He leaned over.
"Listen," he confided to Ammar, "I'd give you anything to know how you do that. I'll give you twenty American dollars if you show me how you can tell the time by holding your camel's balls."
Ammar thought for a moment, and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down beside him on the ground. Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them to the side, out of the way.
"Do you see that clock on the tower over there?" he asked.
James Bond
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment
The woman notices this then asks. "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies. "I just brought this state-of-the-art watch? "So what's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," Bond explains
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says your not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies. "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond exclaims "Damn! This thing must be an hour fast."
The woman notices this then asks. "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies. "I just brought this state-of-the-art watch? "So what's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," Bond explains
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says your not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies. "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond exclaims "Damn! This thing must be an hour fast."
Paddy and Paddy
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Paddy, went out one day and each brought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig,and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN' PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN' TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN' PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN' PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN' EARS AND NO FOOKIN' TAILS!!!!!!!!! HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN' TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's abouts you have the black one,and I'll have the white one"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig,and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN' PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN' TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN' PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN' PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN' EARS AND NO FOOKIN' TAILS!!!!!!!!! HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN' TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's abouts you have the black one,and I'll have the white one"
3 ill men
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
Construction
In a small rural town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'
Words of simple wisdom
This is something we should all read at least once a week
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written.My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41.. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written.My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41.. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Keep old motor running
The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else; How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?
'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black!'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else; How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?
'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black!'
2 snakes
Two snakes were slithering down the road. One snake turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
The other snake replied, "I don't know, why do you ask?"
He said, "'Cause I just bit my lip."
Addiction to cigars
Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
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