Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other
and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
Wife disappeared
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Conception Bay, Nfld., a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.
"Tell me! Did you find her?"
The Mounties looked at each other; one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first." The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.
"Tell me! Did you find her?"
The Mounties looked at each other; one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first." The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Fourth for poker
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
We all have 2 choices
This one is not a joke, but one of those things that you read and get new strength from...
Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply"if I were any better, I would be twins". Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jobs, so they could follow him around from restaurant to restaurant why??
Because-----Jerry was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there telling him how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made be curious so one day I went to Jerry and asked him" I don't get it .No one can be a positive person all of the time How do you do it?
Jerry replied "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today .I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood". I always choose to be in a good mood .Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it. Every time some one comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining, or I can point out the positive side of life .I always choose the positive side of life. "But it's not always that easy,"I protested.
"Yes it is "Jerry said."Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk every situation is a choice".
You choose how you react to situation.
You choose how people will affect your mood
You choose to be in a good mood or in bad mood.
It's your choice how you live your life.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry accidentally did something you never supposed to do in restaurant business .He left the back door of restaurant open .And then in the morning he was robbed by three armed men. While Jerry trying to open the safe box, his hands shaking from nervousness, slipped at the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital .After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care Jerry was released from hospital with fragments of bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the surgery. When I asked him how he was he replied"If I were any better I'd be twins". W ant to see my scars?" I declined to see his scars, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door "Jerry replied. ' Then, after they shot me, as I lay on the floor I remembered that I had two choices. I would choose to live or could choose to die. I choose to live".
Jerry continued,"The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to live. But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I saw the expression on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read "He's a dead man" .I knew I needed to take action.
'What did you do? ".I asked. 'Well there was a big nurse shouting questions at me". Said Jerry .She asked if I was allergic to anything. Yes to bullets, I replied. Over their laughter, I told them "I am choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I am alive, not dead".
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that everyday you have the choice to either enjoy your life or to hate it.
THE ONLY THING THAT IS TRULY YOURS that no one can control or take from you - is your attitude, so if you can take care of that, everything in life becomes much easier…
Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply"if I were any better, I would be twins". Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jobs, so they could follow him around from restaurant to restaurant why??
Because-----Jerry was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there telling him how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made be curious so one day I went to Jerry and asked him" I don't get it .No one can be a positive person all of the time How do you do it?
Jerry replied "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today .I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood". I always choose to be in a good mood .Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it. Every time some one comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining, or I can point out the positive side of life .I always choose the positive side of life. "But it's not always that easy,"I protested.
"Yes it is "Jerry said."Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk every situation is a choice".
You choose how you react to situation.
You choose how people will affect your mood
You choose to be in a good mood or in bad mood.
It's your choice how you live your life.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry accidentally did something you never supposed to do in restaurant business .He left the back door of restaurant open .And then in the morning he was robbed by three armed men. While Jerry trying to open the safe box, his hands shaking from nervousness, slipped at the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital .After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care Jerry was released from hospital with fragments of bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the surgery. When I asked him how he was he replied"If I were any better I'd be twins". W ant to see my scars?" I declined to see his scars, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door "Jerry replied. ' Then, after they shot me, as I lay on the floor I remembered that I had two choices. I would choose to live or could choose to die. I choose to live".
Jerry continued,"The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to live. But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I saw the expression on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read "He's a dead man" .I knew I needed to take action.
'What did you do? ".I asked. 'Well there was a big nurse shouting questions at me". Said Jerry .She asked if I was allergic to anything. Yes to bullets, I replied. Over their laughter, I told them "I am choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I am alive, not dead".
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that everyday you have the choice to either enjoy your life or to hate it.
THE ONLY THING THAT IS TRULY YOURS that no one can control or take from you - is your attitude, so if you can take care of that, everything in life becomes much easier…
Patient
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then she takes a close look and says, 'No Sir they aren't, and I assure you there's nothing wrong with them!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then she takes a close look and says, 'No Sir they aren't, and I assure you there's nothing wrong with them!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
Wedding Night
Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ..
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
His mom says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. I gave him my super glue
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ..
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
His mom says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. I gave him my super glue
Annual physical
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned.
After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis.
As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned.
After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis.
As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
Four priests
Taking advantage of a balmy day, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and took some time out on the golf course.
After several shots their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "But how did you know?"
"I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
After several shots their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "But how did you know?"
"I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
Chinese man on construction site
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I
couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I
couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
Why Indian students are attacked abroad
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?
' Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'Lehmann Brothers, November 4th,2008'
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?
' Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'Lehmann Brothers, November 4th,2008'
Flower vendor
The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"
"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.
"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.
"Haven't got a girlfriend."
"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile... " Then buy both bunches to celebrate!"
"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.
"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.
"Haven't got a girlfriend."
"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile... " Then buy both bunches to celebrate!"
Husband's home
Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband's home!" the lover shrieked. "What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me," Marge replied. "He's probably so drunk he won't even notice you."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came into the room blasted. As he crawled into
bed, he pulled the covers and blankets over him, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed! Have you got someone else in here?"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count," Marge calmly replied. "If you don't believe me, get out of bed and count them again."
So the husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, and four. By gosh, you're right, dear. I'm sorry I doubted you!"
"Oh, my God, your husband's home!" the lover shrieked. "What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me," Marge replied. "He's probably so drunk he won't even notice you."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came into the room blasted. As he crawled into
bed, he pulled the covers and blankets over him, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed! Have you got someone else in here?"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count," Marge calmly replied. "If you don't believe me, get out of bed and count them again."
So the husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, and four. By gosh, you're right, dear. I'm sorry I doubted you!"
Golfer
A golfer who lost his ball fumed at his young caddy. He snapped, "Why didn't you watch where it went?"
The lad replied, "Well sir, it usually doesn't go anywhere, so it took me by surprise."
The lad replied, "Well sir, it usually doesn't go anywhere, so it took me by surprise."
Mom & Dad's Worst Fears
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy...She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy...She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home
World-famous cardiologist
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"
2 blondes
Two blondes were listening to the radio when a commercial for a weight loss program came on. The woman in the ad proudly proclaimed, "I lost six inches using this product!"
Puzzled, one blonde turned to the other and asked "Why would anyone want to be shorter?"
Puzzled, one blonde turned to the other and asked "Why would anyone want to be shorter?"
Next question please
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Wife in bed with another man
Doug brings his friend Bill home from work with him early one day. They come upstairs to find his wife, and there she is in bed with another man.
Doug turns calmly away from the doorway and says to Bill, "Let's go downstairs and have a cup of coffee."
"Uh, okay," agrees Bill so they sit around the kitchen for the longest time, until finally Bill can't stand it anymore. "Doug," he blurts out, "what about the guy upstairs?"
"The hell with him," says Doug. "Let him make his own goddamn coffee."
Doug turns calmly away from the doorway and says to Bill, "Let's go downstairs and have a cup of coffee."
"Uh, okay," agrees Bill so they sit around the kitchen for the longest time, until finally Bill can't stand it anymore. "Doug," he blurts out, "what about the guy upstairs?"
"The hell with him," says Doug. "Let him make his own goddamn coffee."
Rowboat
A man is out with his rowboat when suddenly a passing speedboat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard!
He is stranded out in the middle of the lake! After about 2 hours he sees another rowboat going by with a man and two women in it!
The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"
The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.
He is stranded out in the middle of the lake! After about 2 hours he sees another rowboat going by with a man and two women in it!
The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"
The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.
Beautiful Princess
Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter. One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit. That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess' room. She said, "What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!"
The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you." He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before.
They were enthusiastically doing the nasty. After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."
He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again." He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.
She said, "Come on, let's do it again." The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."
The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you." He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before.
They were enthusiastically doing the nasty. After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."
He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.
She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again." He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.
She said, "Come on, let's do it again." The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."
Fourth-grade teacher
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's just too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's just too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.
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