A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Torah in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Torah to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Torah in your lap. Open the Torah; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Torah will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer.
That will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Torah in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Jewish businessman
Sperm Count
Feeling his vitality sagging, an 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
On-the-job Training
they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an
extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the
trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin... ...and hurled the
extinguisher into the blaze.
Bean soup
"Good heavens," he said. "What is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
Talking Clock
student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's my talking clock," the young man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," he answered and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering
pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT
OFF! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Flat tire
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by facing the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.