Evil

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his care-giver!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're really fucking ugly."

Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're really fucking ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady! You're really fucking ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady!"

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

An late New Year resolution

Some Doctor on tv said the way to inner happiness is to finish all the things you have started,so i looked around the house to see things i had started and not finished, so before going out this morning i finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a buttle of wum, a pockagee of Prungles, tha mainder of bottle of Prozic and Vallumiunun scriptins, the rs of the chesecke an a box a choclet.

Yu haf ni idr how bludy fablus i feel rit e now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov ienne pisss.

An telum u luvum.

Merry Christmas

Fireside chat

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack let me tell you something. On my Wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said, here try these on." So she did and said, "These just don't fit."

So I replied, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,  "Here try these on."

So she does and says, "These just won't fit."

So Jacks says,"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here you try on mine. So he does and says, "I can't get into these."

So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Golf

An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he's exhausted.

After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!

The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The CEO turns to him and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Stock Market Terminology Explained

Stock Market Dictionary for the past year investor:

- Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

- Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

- Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

- P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

- Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.

- Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

- Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

- Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

- Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

- Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

- Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

- Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

- Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

- Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.

- Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.

- Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.

- Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

- Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

- Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

- Alan Greenspan - God.

Irishman

An Irishman was in the South of France, and could not understand why his friend Pierre had attracted all the girls at the beach while he had pulled nothing.

So he asked Pierre, "Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

Pierre said, "It's because I wear a Speedo bathing suit. The women, they love to see a man in a Speedo."

So the Irishman buys a Speedo and tosses his baggy shorts in the garbage. He struts up and down the beach but still he has no luck attracting any women.

He finds Pierre again and asks for his advice.

Pierre, taking a look at Paddy in his Speedo says, "Take a potato, tuck it in your Speedo, it drives the women wild."

So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his Speedo and paraded up and the beach once again.

Many hours later, still no woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried the Speedo bathing suit, I've tried the potato but it doesn't work".

Pierre looked at the Irishman and said "You might want to try putting the potato in the front"

Drunk

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"