Grade-school teacher

A grade-school teacher was grading a science test at home that she had given to her class and was reading some of the results to her husband. The subject was the human body, and the first question was to "Name one of the major functions of your skin."

One child had written, "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."

Sting

"Now, Mrs. Hansen, this may sting just a little," the doctor said, as he prepared the syringe of antibiotic and stepped forward to administer it. The patient suddenly SCREAMED in agonizing pain and crumpled to the floor!

The doctor picked her up and stated, "Mrs. Hansen, this is ridiculous. I haven't even injected the needle yet!"

"No, you haven't" cried Mrs. Hansen. "But you DID step on my ingrown toenail!"

The English Language has changed

‎​When I Was TEN Years Old,

RUBBER Meant Eraser...

ASS Meant Donkey...

PUSSY Meant Cat...

COCK Meant Rooster...

GAY Meant Happy...

STRAIGHT Meant Linear...

SCREW meant a Fastener...

MAKING OUT meant  'Logical Deduction'...

RAMMING meant Compacting...

LAYING meant 'Setting Aside'...

STAG meant a ' Male Deer'...

A TIT was always, always for a TAT...

JACKING always referred to a flat Tyre...

What A Way...The English Language Has Changed!

Drunk

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Do you want to go to heaven?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Game

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Spelling mistake

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...

"I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish u were her...!"

Superior culture

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

Good advice

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Farmer

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger he shouted over to the man, "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's poisoned!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.

Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's poisoned. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine British accent.

"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in."